While attending this event, please remember that you are a distinguished member of a high-profile political party that is ostensibly and hypocritically opposed to any sexual expression outside of heterosexual marriage, and to the use of any illegal drugs at any time.
Therefore, it is important that you conduct yourself in such a way that we can be proud to call you part of the Republican Illegal Narcotics Orgy Society (RINOs). As such, you must adhere to the following principles:
I. All bodily fluids may trickle DOWN ONLY in honor of former President Ronald Reagan, who was notoriously a top.
II. HandOUTS are strictly forbidden, but handJOBS are permitted and in fact highly encouraged, consistent with our work-first philosophy.
A. Exceptions: This second part of this principle does not apply to Texas Senator Ted Cruz, as we strongly oppose immigrants like him taking jobs from hard-jerking Americans.
III. No sexual acts or recreational drugs may be referred to using the word “blow,” as we do not want to draw attention to the fact that wind even exists, much less that it can create energy and provide good jobs.
IV. While you may not SAY gay at any point during this event, you may DO gay, silently yet without facing any of the harmful repercussions you seek to increasingly force on gay Americans.
V. You may not reach ACROSS the aisle for any reason, but you may provide a reach-AROUND to your colleagues on this side of the aisle, to reward them for decisions such as repeatedly voting no on the Violence Against Women Act.
A. Exception: West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin, as he is usually on our side of the aisle anyway, which is surprising given how much frequently unreciprocated gratification the Democrats seem willing to give him.
VI. If you fall down at this event, whether due to your own misstep or to someone purposely and violently pushing you down over and over, it is your personal responsibility to pull yourself up by YOUR strap-on only. If you do not have one, you must remain on the floor forever.
VII. All nicknames for genitalia (and any other nicknamed body parts) MUST include the name of at least one firearm from manufacturers that have been inducted into the NRA Golden Ring of Freedom. The NRA is a premier sponsor of this event, and the entire GOP, so we just do whatever they tell us.
VIII. You may only give YOURSELF an orgasm at this event, in line with the key GOP principles of self-reliance and selfish lovemaking. For further elaboration, please see Section II above regarding handouts.
IX. If you choose to use other drugs in addition to cocaine, they must also be as white as the skin color of the only voters we care about.
X. Do NOT tell any non-RINOs about this event.
A. Exception: If you were obviously totally invited and decided completely on your own not to go, and definitely didn’t just hear about it from someone else later and are bitter you weren’t invited and wanted to sound cool on a podcast.
XI. Before, during, or after this event you may not learn about safe sex practices, use birth control, get a sexual transmitted infection, be sexually assauted, get pregnant, have a miscarriage, have an abortion, or receive any support for caring for any children that may result from this event. No further elaboration of this contradictory principle will be provided, you must figure it out yourself like everyday Americans have to.
A. Exception: If any of this actually happens don’t worry, we got you (except the supporting children thing). In return you must never tell anyone and also must condemn others for experiencing the very same thing that you experienced, in order to mislead voters into thinking that we actually mean what we say. Above all, stay true to the classic GOP motto: a lying guy grifts all votes.