Bearly There Briefing Room, Lake Tahoe
4:23 PM PST
MS. URSUS, HANK THE TANK’S PUBLICIST: Hello everyone, and thank you for coming. We are holding this press briefing after the breaking news that Hank the Tank, Lake Tahoe’s most prominent bear resident [gestures to giant black bear to her right], is not solely responsible for the spree of home break-ins and “152 reports of conflict behavior.” Mr. Tank was sentenced to euthanasia or relocation for these crimes until the California Department of Fish and Wildlife officials found DNA evidence that at least two other bears were involved.
Mr. Tank is excited to talk about his future and not die but if relocation is still on the table, he’d love to get away from the wildfires. He will not be commenting on the alleged involvement of the other bears because, as you all know, bear snitches get bear stitches.
As a “severely food-habituated bear,” Mr. Tank is quite familiar with human cuisine, but his language skills are still rudimentary, so please bear with us as I translate for him. Yes, Jill from Women’s Bear Daily.
WBD: Hank, who are you wearing?
HANK: Argggh
MS. URSUS: Mr. Tank is wearing a black fur coat from last season and a few base layers of hyper-local vegan-cheese trash lasagna. Yes, Bob from The Grizzly Times.
THE GRIZZLY TIMES: What exactly is a “severely food-habituated bear”?
HANK: Nom nom nom nom
MS. URSUS: Thank you for asking. It’s a bear that has lost all fear of humans and associates them with easy access to food. Your house is the equivalent of a Wendy’s drive-through for Mr. Tank.
THE GRIZZLY TIMES: But how did Hank develop a taste for human food? Isn’t all garbage kept in bear-safe containers in Tahoe?
HANK: [shrugs]
MS. URSUS: Excellent question. Most areas with bear activity do have regulations to contain their trash in bear-safe boxes. But Tahoe Keys deemed such boxes “unsightly” and did not require them, which was an open invitation for the bears to explore. Once Mr. Tank found the all-you-can-eat buffet of the unsecured garbage, he was hooked.
After finishing his self-guided food tour of the garages, Mr. Tank and his associates began to explore inside the homes. I mean, if you are addicted to coke, and there is a giant pile of coke next door, wouldn’t you climb through a window to snort it? I would. Yes, Jasmine from The Bruin Post.
THE BRUIN POST: Hank, who will be getting the rights to your story?
HANK: Grrrhhhhuhu
MS. URSUS: After an intense bidding war between Hulu and Netflix, Mr. Tank secured a deal with Hulu for a ten-part miniseries. While Netflix offered him more money, Hank felt that Netflix’s recent price increase was not justified as the platform lacks bear-related content. Yes, Albert from Cub Chronicle.
CUB CHRONICLE: Hank, are you really 500 pounds? How did you squeeze through the small window to get into the house?
HANK: GRRRRRHH ARRRGGGHH
MS. URSUS: Security, please remove Albert from the premises. Mr. Tank will not be body-shamed for his Rubenesque physique. He gave up his whole hibernation period to achieve it. Yes, Sam from The Polar Street Journal.
PSJ: Would Hank care to comment on the death of Safeway Bear some months ago?
HANK: [sobs loudly and reaches for a tissue]
MS. URSUS: This is a very sensitive topic for Mr. Tank. Though he did not personally know Safeway Bear, he was devastated by his death and feared a similar future. Safeway Bear liked to frequent a local grocery store for the produce and kids’ birthday parties for cake. He had a well-rounded diet. After being captured and released into the wild, he did not acclimate and met a traumatic demise. Mr. Tank urges Tahoe Keys and any other area dumb enough not to have bear boxes for their garbage to install them immediately and avoid tragedies like Safeway Bear. Yes, Taylor from Teddy Tribune. This will be the last question.
TEDDY TRIBUNE: Is it true that Hank is the new spokesbear for the breakfast buffet at the Wynn Resort in Las Vegas?
HANK: [????????]
MS. URSUS: Yes, it’s true. Mr. Tank is delighted to announce that he is sharing the brunch residency with Britney Spears, who has also recently been freed from an uncertain fate. Thank you all for coming. We will see you in Vegas unless Mr. Tank sees you first, so make sure he doesn’t.
HANK: Britney!!!