Welcome to Fred’s Feed & Farmaceuticals, where we supply everything you need for your farm to flourish, your ranch to rock, and your human heart to swell dangerously if you take too much cattle laxative to treat your cancer.
But don’t let these worries stop you from thinking outside the box! Our animal medicine is the secret cure for everything, and congratulations to you for being smart enough to figure out that everyone but us is lying to you about medical care.
We at Fred’s understand how you don’t trust Big Pharma. Or Big Government. Or Big Scientists Who Are Just Friggin’ Trying to Keep You Alive. They can’t fool us with that crap! Americans don’t fall for that old “we’ve studied for decades to help you” nonsense. After all, filling your blood full of vaccine magnets is bad, not that the coastal elites want you to know that. They might want to stick to their refrigerators in New York City, but at Fred’s, we have eight aisles full of guns to help you manage your own health.
But that’s not the only way we look out for honest, real, true, white, and real Americans.
Normal vaccines are for sheeple fools, but our sheep tetanus formula works for everyone probably. It’s not just for when you receive a penetrating wound, but for year-round protection from the lies peddled to you by celebrities and doctors. For just $69.99, take whatever dose YouTube recommends, and maybe a little more, because it’s been approved by the USDA. The USDA is led by good men with honest, Midwestern dust on their boots, not some lying FDA feminist who shrieks about “masks.” Your livestock don’t need masks, and neither do you. How would a horse even keep a mask on? The little loops wouldn’t reach his ears! That’s how you know it’s a lie.
Our anti-fungus goat salve can cure your whole family of boils, burns, scrapes, indoctrination, jihadists, and California. Don’t let the smell put you off – teens are constantly sniffing this stuff in our store, and they’re almost always able to walk out again. Bertha on our Facebook page says anti-fungus goat salve cured her husband of diabetes! And talking. It’s much more peaceful for Bertha now, thanks to Fred’s anti-fungus goat salve.
See, what Big Gov doesn’t want you to know is that nobody needs fifty different products for different areas of the body. The ears aren’t that different from the armpit, both being on the sides and all. And the mouth is a hole connected straight down to the stomach, so common sense says it’s one big body part. Look in the mirror – can you even see those different organs Big Anatomy says are there? No! Nobody has ever seen a “uterus,” so going to the “doctor” for one is madness.
Sure, it’s fun for ladies to take a break, relax, and goof around with a pervert in a white coat, but it’s a waste of her husband’s hard-earned money when she could just rub a little Homeopathic Bird Itch-B-Gone Gel on it.
We also supply cures for your human calves and pups. Bovine pinkeye paste is a great alternative to Big Pharma’s poisonous pink stuff for an upset stomach. And it works for the eyes as well. That’s the kind of two-for-one that regular people, good people of the land, need when they don’t wash their hands after going to the toilet.
Don’t forget our cleaning aisle! It’s not just for women anymore. Try our hoof polish for your mani/pedi needs; if any drips on your table, it’s also an industrial solvent. Handy!
Toothache? Visit the tools section to yank that sucker right out, or check out behind the store where Scurvy Mike can sell you meth. That’ll take care of those teeth once and for all, ending your dependency on Big Dentist.
We even have godly clothing for the whole family – in a freedom-loving “fuck your feelings” theme. Comes in red, white, and blue, as well as “back the blue” for extra get-out-of-jail-ness when you’re pulled over. Well, for some of you.
So come on down and visit us at Fred’s Feed & Farmaceuticals, where our slogan is “If you buy an American flag, you get a free flea enema!” You can never have too many of either.