To President Donald J. Trump,
We are the members of the Presidential One-Termer Club, an important group that prides itself on celebrating the history of all U.S. one-term presidents and their achievements.
We want to inform you that you can now join our exclusive club. You may have lost the election, but now you can become a member of the O.T.C. and that makes you a winner! With our help, the O.T.C. can make your last few months in the White House more of a stay at the Hilton over a stay at Mar-a-Lago.
Like every one-termer before you, you may be thinking, “Hey, I’ve never lost the presidency before, I’m a winner. Who do I fire to stop this?” And you’re right! Use that cavalier and domineering attitude that made America elect and replace you to win.
You have absolute executive power and with our support, you can attempt several ways to keep yourself in office. You already ordered your Attorney General to steal the election through lawsuits and used your position in government to peddle a false narrative of victory on biased news networks.
Our experts (and Patreon supporters) live by our motto: “What would James K. Polk do?” W.W.J.K.P.D. In this case, you conquer, complain, and leave the White House tired and sick, and then shortly after you die.
We suggest occupying Greenland and holding it hostage. No one wants to be in America right now so threaten to make it #51 unless Pennsylvania overturns the results. What would the Greenlandians do anyways? We have until January 21st to solve this one; that’s nine months in COVID time.
You are now elevated to the same pedestal as illustrious names like Millard Fillmore, Rutherford B. Hayes, and other one-termer presidents remembered for being the names of local high schools. You are a special boy! There is nothing wrong about being a lame-duck president. A lame duck’s life is a lot less stressful than a regular duck’s life. No one expects anything from you.
Use this time on stuff you actually care about. What souvenirs can you take when you’re forced out? The Pepsi water fountains, the golden toilet, a few of the Melania doubles; by marking TRUMP on all of it with a Sharpie, you’ve called dibs.
Mr. President, be proud of being a lame duck. Go to a mirror and say it with us:
“I’m a lame duck and I’m proud!”
“I’m a lame duck and I’m proud!”
“I’m a lame duck and I’m proud!”
There are a plethora of exclusive benefits to being apart of the One-Termer Club. You keep your security detail, health insurance, and we guarantee all members their Executive McDonald’s discount. We have an in-house accountant that can write your campaign debt off as a “work expense.” You can volunteer to help the poor like that schmuck Carter.
With our high-speed internet capabilities, you can tweet to a country of followers who, like a messiah, listen to you over any other expert or scientific fact. You can tweet QAnon conspiracies and dehumanizing slurs to Ted Cruz’s wife from the comfort of our XXL La-Z-Boy recliners. Instead of helping others, help yourself to our unlimited lobster and cheesecake buffet every Tuesday. On Fridays, we get hookers without using Groupon.
Mr. President, you had a life, a business, and a loving wife before the Oval Office, and you’ll have another younger wife after. You are still the voice of the Republican Party, but without the bullshit. Your declarations and orders will still be influential; they just won’t have “executive” written before it.
You can be in denial, throw a tantrum, attempt a corrupt bargain to stay in office. Or you can join our club and give in to your mediocrity. Every one-term president has done it before you and they deserved a second term as much as you do now.
Welcome to the club,
The Presidential One-Termer Club
