What an interesting week this has been. Picture this: It’s a typical Wednesday night. I’m in the dumpster going to town on my nightly feast, I fly through an open window into a bright theater, land atop a stiff, snow-white patch of hair, and the next thing I know I’m making national news headlines. Now, listen, I’m just an average fly and I don’t necessarily partake in human politics. But after sitting on that man’s head for a full uninterrupted two minutes, I realized how deep America is in shit.
Trust me, I know shit when I smell it.
As I profusely vomited into Mr. Pence’s tight coif, I overhead him support the concept of overturning Roe v. Wade. I’ve since done some research on Floogle (the fly version of Google) and my thousands of eyes almost bulged out of my head. Let me get this straight: Humans have elected a president who is actively fighting to remove a woman’s choice on what she does with her own body? As a fly, I thought I had it bad! But when I’m impregnated with up to six hundred babies, I’m at least entitled to the right to make an informed decision.
I held on tight as Mr. Pence shook his head firmly to the facts about climate change stated by his rival. From under my own six feet, Mr. Pence continued to lie. He said that America has had the cleanest air and water it’s ever had while under his administration. I may be a fly, but I sure as hell don’t live under a rock (some flies do live under rocks and I apologize for my insensitivity; it’s a whole geo-political issue that humans wouldn’t understand). I travel all over this country and can’t begin to describe the amount of pollution I inhale on a regular basis. Us flies are lucky enough to have a leader who cares about the health and well-being of his citizens and often relocates us to safer environments. Unfortunately, fossil fuels are on you guys and we’re depending on you to fix it.
I recognized I had overstayed my welcome and was about to depart when Mr. Pence dropped the biggest bombshell of the night. When I heard him claim that justice has been served on Breonna Taylor’s case, my proboscis literally dropped. I did not have to Floogle this case because it has been widely discussed in our community. The way in which it was handled by the police officers involved, the grand jury, and the Republican party has rendered those humans no better than insects. In our community, there is no excuse for harming an innocent soul, and justice is not served until those who committed the felony are charged for their wrongdoings. I didn’t think a rogue fly would have to explain this to humans, but here we are.
I may not have any arteries or veins, but I do have a heart and I feel for Americans. To be honest, I’m surprised and a little disappointed that I’ve gained so much attention over the course of the week. I hear that you Americans have less than twenty-five days to redirect your focus and cast your votes. Although I’ll surely be dead by then, I pray that you make the right decision for my great-great-great-great grandchildren. We may feast on piles of shit, but Mr. Pence certainly is one.
