The world is freaking out about the spread of a novel coronavirus, and rightfully so. It appears no country has gotten a handle on what to do about it yet, which means it could soon find its way to your doorstep.
Here’s how to prepare for when you inevitably face the coronavirus:
- Be sure to seal your children in an air-tight room for the duration of the virus.
- Why wear one flu mask when you can wear twenty-five?
- The government has permitted one free kill for every citizen during this crisis – choose yours wisely!
- Make sure to cut back on greeting total strangers with your customary open-mouth kisses.
- Remember, good hygiene is important. Lick your hands at least once an hour to keep them clean!
- Snatch up all the bread, water, and batteries you can now, which you can turn around and sell for a nifty profit when things really start to fall apart. Get the kids involved too so they can learn what it takes to start a business!
- Looting will be important as the crisis gets worse. Practice by ransacking your neighbors’ homes!
- Set aside time to practice gratitude for the fact that our president is completely safe in an underground bunker somewhere.
- When the raids on the stores start, be sure to grab up as many Dunkaroos as you can. They might never come back!
- You may contract the virus at any time, so ignore your family and friends to make sure you get through your sixtieth rewatch of The Office.
- Just let it happen. It’ll probably be for the best.
- No matter how much she wails at your front door to be let in, that is NOT the grandmother you once knew. Do NOT let her in.
- Use chapstick. It won’t help with the virus but at least your lips will be nice and moist.
- Actively seek out infected people, obtain the virus, and head straight for Washington, DC.
- Hazmat suits do not have back flaps – it’s imperative you take them off before going to the bathroom.
- Pandemics just aren’t as fun as the movies make them out to be, so you’ll need to spice things up yourself. Rile up the neighborhood by snagging the entire supply of coronavirus vaccines and force your neighbors to compete for them.
- Be ready to bear the brunt of your germaphobe friends saying, “Not so crazy now, am I?”
- Fuck it, see what your urine tastes like.
- Bottle your additional urine and sell it for a premium, touting its positive effect in battling coronavirus symptoms.
Need something else to calm your coronavirus fears? Check out our Revenge of the ’90s podcast episode on 1995’s Outbreak, featuring a virus that has no cure and liquifies your insides!