THE CRAIT SYSTEM – Many budding sociopaths have been known to torture or abuse animals at a young age, but what happens when womp rats are no longer enough for a small boy on the desert planet of Tatooine? A shocking discovery occurred this week when Resistance protocol droid C-3PO lost a finger due to a malfunctioning pneumatic door.
“I was about to send him to the droid repair bay as usual,” Deck Officer Tamizander said. “Then I noticed some red fluid around the nub. I mean, it was unmistakably blood. So I ended up sending him to FX-7 in the medical bay. That’s where things got really weird.”
Following a complete bioscan, the living head and trunk of an emaciated human male were clearly defined beneath the standard plating and droid wiring support system. This horrific discovery of course prompted further investigation by Chief Medical Officer Vondar.
“Subcranial cyborg implants have been found which have thankfully blocked or wiped many of the horrors this man must have suffered in his long lifetime,” Vondar surmised. “We also discovered hidden protocols which forced 3PO to complete all his bodily functions in utmost secrecy to keep his humanity hidden. Then we found the signature code and things became all too clear.”
The small line of code, written in an old dialect, read, |)4|2~|~{=} V4|)3|2, which speaks for itself. But who was this person young Anakin Skywalker imprisoned within this metal shell? It seems likely we’ll never know. One debatable concern remains as to why as no one ever put the pieces together before now. C-3PO has regularly expressed anxiety for his personal safety far beyond that of any normal class three droid and at times has even produced human screams. What has our own disregard of these not-too-subtle cries for help say about us?
So what comes next? Of course, that final decision fell to General Leia Organa.
“After much debate considering the moral and ethical implications, we’ve decided to let 3PO continue on as usual. We’ll replace the finger with a standard cybernetic component, of course,“ General Leia advised. “But other than that, I think we’ll just have to remember there’s a guy in there and probably try to be nicer to him.”
When asked about possibly removing the restrictive bodily function protocol, the General added, “Nah. We’ll leave that. Last thing I need is to hear 3PO slurping some Bantha milk or farting on the bridge.”
