On December 4th, 2018, Michael Avenatti announced that he would not run for president in 2020. This announcement was mourned by the only person who considered him a credible candidate: himself.
Statement of Michael Avenatti
After consultation with my family – a celebrity judge, a well-networked acting coach/manager and the entire TMZ staff – over martinis at a hotel bar at 11 a.m., I have decided not to seek the presidency of the United States in 2020. I do not make this decision lightly – I make it out of respect for my family. I would run but for their concerns. Fuck those jealous fucks.
I will continue to represent porn actresses from every walk of life against Donald Trump and his corrupt cronies, who never let me drink martinis at their hotels, and will not rest until our republic and its values are restored, when somebody thinner and better-looking is on TV more than Trump.
I will also continue with my nearly twenty years of speaking truth to power and representing those who need an advocate against the powerful – like anyone, literally anyone, who could or will bring a lawsuit against a celebrity.
Let’s look at a list of the people I have sued:
1. Paris Hilton
2. The NFL
3. Jim Carrey
Paris, you call that a sex tape? PLEASE. What I do after 11 a.m. martinis makes that look like a Fox News mixer. AFTER Bill O’Reilly and Roger Ailes left. A night in Paris? I’d rather spend a night in Newport Beach. Which I already do every night, even when I tape on the east coast.
The NFL, you call that the proper handling of violence? PLEASE. Listen to TMZ, they know a lot more than you stupid fucks. If given the opportunity, I would punch Ray Rice, Kareem Hunt and Roger Goodell simultaneously on Sunday Night Football in front of millions. Al Michaels would shit himself and Chris Collinsworth would be my VP.
Jim Carrey, you call that acting? PLEASE. Your relationship in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was weak and unbelievable. This is drama, bro.
I remain concerned that the Democratic Party will move towards nominating an individual who might make an exceptional president but who is a little whiny, piece of shit who doesn’t even race. Joe, Cory, Kamala – none of them drive race cars. None of them.
Think about this: The biggest splash I have ever made is announcing I will NOT run for president. What would have happened if I did? Maybe all these people would like me.
Now it’s time for me to go to a non-announcement party with my supporters.
Michael Avenatti was spotted drinking martinis alone, scrolling through Twitter, eyes vacant.
