1. No Chokers
I can understand that; chokers aren’t terribly professional-looking. But they also can get in the way if you just so happen to be a blood-addicted, undead murderer that sucks the life force from your victims by biting them on the neck!
2. No Pungent Foods in the Microwave
Yeah, this could be in there because of that time Kenny microwaved crab puffs and made the whole marketing department smell like an abandoned fish market, OR it could be because of the garlic, you know, on account of the CEO likely being a disgusting vampire!
3. Drug Tests
Damn, what’s wrong with a little THC in the bloodstream? Oh, I get it – what if our blood-chugging undead CEO decided to eat Phil’s stoned ass and got the munchies? We’d all be fucked! (By the way, has anyone seen Phil lately?)
4. All Shirts Must Have Collars
Gee, wonder why we’d need something to cover up our necks specifically? Oh well, I’m sure there’s a good reason. NEWSFLASH IDIOTS, it’s because the CEO is an out-of-control, bloodthirsty, monster from hell!
5. No Visible Tattoos
Because they might be offensive? Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Then again, it could be because 30 percent of all tattoos are of a cross and the CEO is worried he might:
a) Scream in unholy agony (he’s a vampire).
b) Become weak (i.e. accidentally offer flex time).
c) Let slip that he turned Kenny into a ghoul that now lives in the second-floor broom closet (I’d recognize that briny smell anywhere!).
6. No Denim
Why not? Remind you too much of 1997’s Buffy: The Vampire Slayer, you life-draining, parasitic, nether-leech? Maybe if we all wore stone-wash you’d be cool with it. You know, like in The Lost Boys? Speaking of “lost boys,” Phil hasn’t been into work in four days and he’s my manager so…?
7. Skirts Must Fall Below the Knee
What a ridiculous-ass, sexist-ass, 1430’s Romania-ass rule to impose on female employees, you chauvinistic, pale male-privileged, blood-sucking piece of shit!
8. Condiments Provided in Breakroom
Yes, thank you SO much for the complimentary Lipton tea bags and salt packets – spared no expense. Do you really need to supply salt though? What do you REALLY wanna do, huh? Raise our blood pressure so you can kick back and shotgun a few warehouse employees at the end of the day, you soulless abomination?
9. No Smoking or Vaping on Premises
Okay, pretty standard. Just think it seems a little hypocritical seeing as how you sneak around killing employees before literally turning into a fuckin’ fart or whatever it is you cape-wearing assholes vape into before slinking away into the air ducts!
10. Employees Must Never Band Together to Destroy a Creature, Supernatural or Otherwise.
The time is upon us!
Let go your fears of losing 401k matching and catered Chipotle four times a year. Yes, many of you will lose your lives – in horrible, nightmarish, unspeakable ways you’ll lose your lives – but were you not losing them here anyway? Let us march to the second floor, for Phil!
We’re no longer your employees, or associates, or team members. Call us what we are, demon – STAKEHOLDERS!