1. It’s far less embarrassing to bring your dog to the vet due to accidental chocolate poisoning than to bring your teenage son to the ER because he was reenacting a scene from Deadpool. Oh, you were trying to go “viral!?” I don’t care, Ryan! No more comic-cons for you!
2. You can neuter your dog and no one blinks an eye. Ryan, I am too young to be a grandmother. Why the hell didn’t you use a condom!? Oh, it doesn’t feel good!? You are just like your father!
3. A dog will keep you company while you binge-watch Hallmark holiday movies and not use your living room as the setting for a low-budget porno! The bill to clean the carpet is coming straight out of your allowance, buddy.
4. When a dog has an accident on the living room rug, it’s really an accident. It’s not a passive-aggressive move in retaliation for you taking away his Xbox. That was disgusting, Ryan! And yes, I sold it on Craigslist so you’re never getting it back!
5. From time to time, your dog may come home with a dead pigeon in its jaws, but it’s only expressing its animal nature. At least it’s not bringing dead animals into your home to photograph them for a necrobestiality calendar! I don’t care if this is a growing market! Those people are sick!
6. When you install an invisible fence in your yard to keep your dog close, it’s by choice. When your son can’t leave your home because he has to wear an ankle monitor for hacking into the Pentagon and resetting its homepage to a show featuring talking penises, it is not.
7. A dog will greet your date by jumping up on him in a friendly manner, not by challenging him to a duel. Where did you even get those swords from?! And let me tell you, that eyepatch does not make you look dangerous; it makes you look like Captain Hook’s understudy!
8. A dog may chew your shoes and destroy your furniture, but that’s nothing compared to the annihilation of your carefully cultivated hopes and dreams for a loving son who would grow up to be a success and one day receive a prestigious award and dedicate it to his mother. I am dead inside, do you hear? Dead. Inside!
