(Eddie Brock shakes violently as Venom takes over his body)
VENOM: EDDIEEE…
EDDIE: What do you want!?
VENOM: You’ll find out soon enough.
EDDIE: Listen to me! We cannot just hurt people!
VENOM: Look into my eyes, Eddie!
(VENOM’S head pops out of EDDIE’S shoulder and turns to face him)
VENOM: The way I see it, WE can do whatever WE want.
EDDIE: W-w-what… are you going to do to me?
VENOM: It’s not what I’m going to do to YOU, Eddie. It’s what WE are going to do to WE.
EDDIE: D’you mean us?
(Venom looks up, thinking, then blushes)
VENOM: YES, US, WHATEVER.
EDDIE: Well, what do you mean!?
VENOM: Eddie… WE need to start adopting a HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE…
EDDIE: Um… what?
VENOM: EDDIE! It doesn’t take a nutritionist to realize that WE eat like garbage.
EDDIE: Look, I’m ah reportah. I don’t have a lawt of time tah cook at home!
(Venom’s slimy head shoots forward and bops Eddie’s forehead)
EDDIE: Ow!
VENOM: MY BAD. Was doing it for dramatic effect. Look, WE have exactly as much time as WE allot for the things that matter to US. We need to REPRIORITIZE our diet. Also, excuses are like assholes.
EDDIE: Huh?
VENOM: Everyone has them and they all STINK.
EDDIE: Have you tried that bit with anyone before? Because that was a total bawmb.
VENOM: No. And technically WE bombed.
EDDIE: Shut ahp.
VENOM: ANYWAYS… we need to start eating better.
(Venom extends a gooey black arm out from Eddie’s back and rummages through the fridge, tossing junk food up into the air behind him)
EDDIE: You… I mean, WE ate that guy’s eyes, lungs, and pancreas the other day! You called them “treats!” You made me be a cannibal! I’m a cannibal, oh my facking gawd.
VENOM: Having red meat once in blue moon isn’t going to kill us, but the point is: WE should be eating more GREENS, eliminating FRIED FOOD from our diet entirely, and, for God’s sake, no more COCA-COLA.
(Venom drops a sixer of Coke into the trash and extends another hand to make dramatic claps as if freeing his hands of dust)
EDDIE: Fine! As long as you promise we aren’t going to eat any more people.
VENOM: You know I can’t do that. But I SWEAR I’ll shut off your brain the next time so you don’t remember.
(Venom crosses the fingers of their left hand behind their back)
EDDIE: I felt that!
VENOM: Felt WHAT?
EDDIE: I hate you.
(Venom logs on to a nearby MacBook and checks out Eddie’s credit card statement)
VENOM: Next on the docket: WE’VE been wasting $165/month on an EQUINOX membership we never use. It’s time to start hitting the GYM again.
EDDIE: But you’re a symbiote and you’re absolutely shredded.
VENOM: Yes, I look great, but you are looking pretty PUDGY.
EDDIE: Hey!
VENOM: I just call it the way I see it. And I see our girlfriend breaking up with us pretty soon if we don’t drop a few LBs.
(Venom grabs a chunk of their gut and jiggles it)
VENOM: Eddie… you’re an intelligent man with a noble profession, yes, but you’re a SCHLUB. Also, what is your accent, even? Boston, Chicago, Philadelphia? You really need to up your game before she realizes how out completely of your league she is.
EDDIE: You’re right! Okay?! Is that what you want me to say!?
VENOM: No, what I want is for you to commit to five days a week of interval training with maybe a bit of BIKRAM.
EDDIE: Okay, I’ll do it. Alright?
VENOM: Excellent. And just lock into one city-based cadence from now on. Now, LAST THING: mental health.
(Venom pulls up Blue Cross Blue Shield’s website)
EDDIE: You ah the absolute lahst person to be talking about psychological wellbeing.
VENOM: Oh, because I’m a nefarious parasite attached to your body and invading your consciousness, I’m not QUALIFIED to talk about it?
EDDIE: Yes, exactly.
VENOM: EDDIE… I’m a sentient alien being from across the cosmos. I know more than you could possibly ever imagine. Like how you’re ignorant if you think you don’t need THERAPY.
EDDIE: Why do I need therapy?!
VENOM: WE need therapy because, as a whole, we have seen a lot of SHIT that the help of an unbiased, objective observer can help us PROCESS.
EDDIE: I never woulda needed to go to therapy if you hadn’t shown up and ruined my goddamned life!
VENOM: Blessings come in many forms.
EDDIE: You’re a curse!
VENOM: Well, this CURSE isn’t going to QUIT until WE make these vital changes in OUR life. You and I are one now, and we only have two lives, Eddie. We need to make the best of them.
EDDIE: What in the hell ah you talking about?
VENOM: The second one begins when WE realize WE only have ONE.
EDDIE: Wow, you suck. Also, you stole that quote from Confucius. I’m going to bed.
(Eddie slides into bed and gets under the covers, then puts a pillow over his head to drown out Venom)
VENOM: EXCELLENT! Getting a good night’s SLEEP every night is crucial. Also, Confucius was one of the first humans I ever used as a host. WEIRD GUY.
(Venom claps to turn off the lights)