ATLANTA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) issued a warning to female consumers Monday, urging them to immediately discontinue the use of novelty Donald Trump toilet paper for their ass-wiping enjoyment due to the “elevated grossout risk” of allowing Donald Trump anywhere near a pussy. The recommendation came just days after the release of Donald Trump’s now-infamous “pussy-grabbing” 2005 hot mic comments prompted pussies around the world to recoil in disgust and horror.
“We understand that all consumers – men, women and children – derive immense comfort and pleasure from wiping their asses all over Donald Trump’s cocky, ridiculous duck-grimace,” CDC spokesperson Ann Smith of the agency’s Office for Women’s Health said. “While this is an important means of coping during these challenging times, we feel the two orifices are simply too close to one another for us to safely recommend its use in women and girls. It will make your pussy cringe.”
Women’s reactions to this new guideline have been mixed, usually in keeping with their feelings about the Republican presidential candidate. “It figures that Donald Trump somehow managed to make the toilet paper with his face on it even more disgusting than the watery feces I’ve been using it on,” said Janine Prendergast, 32, of Oak Park, Illinois. “Sorry, but I am going to heed CDC recommendation. My asshole says yes, but my pussy says fuck no.”
Yet others are not willing to give up their “addictive” Trump ass-wiping habits. Olivia Lindberg, 29, of Hammonton, New Jersey, said she plans to keep on wiping with Trump even if it means “inevitable pussy suicide.”
“Listen, I don’t think my soul can make it through the next month without wiping my ass on Donald Trump,” said Lindberg, who has been trying to become pregnant. “I know there’s a good chance my pussy is going to curl up and die due to the ick factor of having Donald Trump near it, but I just can’t stop sharting my bodily waste all over that human piece of sewer flotsam. I’ll have to risk it.”
The CDC’s Smith acknowledged that the new guideline is essentially robbing Americans of one of the few remaining pleasures left to them. “It is our continued belief that Donald Trump’s face should be used to thoroughly clean assholes – in fact, as far as our research can determine, it appears to have no other purpose,” Smith said. “We heartily recommend that men and boys continue to put their Donald Trump butt-tape to diligent use.”
Smith added that women can continue to help the effort by cooking their families healthy meals, such as bean burritos, chili, and prune cakes for dessert.
“Go ahead and cook your hearts out, ladies,” she said. “Besides having pussies, that’s all he thinks we’re good for, anyway.”
