Good morning, everyone. You’ll notice construction crews in and around the office over the next few days. I wanted to apologize for the inconvenience up front. We’re installing these awesome new toilets that will increase your productivity by making it painful to sit down for more than a few minutes. I think you guys will love them!
However, these efficiency toilets aren’t the only changes we’ll be making around the work space. We’ve got a bunch of updated features and benefits that will make this place a much better place to work. Or rather, they’ll help us get every possible cent out of you we can.
In the break room, you’ll notice brand-new coffee makers. They function just like the Keurigs we had, but these don’t brew coffee. Instead, we’ve switched the coffee pods for a proprietary stimulant blend that should keep you energized and hyper-focused into the wee hours. Soon, you’ll find sleep entirely unnecessary. Because it will hit you like coffee on steroids with a few bumps of cocaine, you’ll probably find yourself making extra trips to those new painful toilets. Again, we apologize for the inconvenience.
Our meditation rooms have been modified as well. Instead of the white noise machines and house plants, each room has been updated with state-of-the-art projector screens that will loop black-and-white footage of spiders crawling out of a dead woman’s mouth. As I learned at my CEO conference last week, “Terror Therapy” has been proven to keep employees ten times more terrified and productive than meditation.
Finally, we’ll be giving each one of you a standing desk, which are great for blood flow and increased energy levels. Therefore, we’ve replaced your ergonomic desk chairs with armed guards holding tasers patrolling up and down the aisles. Be sure to ask their permission before going to the bathroom, because yes, they will absolutely be timing you. Good thing we installed those excruciatingly painful toilets!
Thanks everyone! And for your own sake, have a really productive day.
