Special Assessments May Appear Out Of Nowhere
Event: Block Party +++ Hosted By: Club Biscayne Condominiums +++ Dress Code: South Florida Formal – Lululemon spandex shorts no higher than one inch above the knee +++ Time: Miami Time – the event will begin promptly at 5:00 PM-ish on October 4-ish +++ RSVP (or not) no later than October 1 or whenever.
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Welcome to Club Biscayne! Gosh, it’s great to see so many South Beach residents and snowbirds here, and right on time! Here at Club Biscayne, we pride ourselves on observing a dynamic grace period suited to the pace and rhythm of our fair city. I’m the office manager of Club Biscayne Condominiums, and I’m here to guide you through this event because the MC we hired has been stuck at the Miami Central DMV for 98 hours and didn’t want to give up his place in line to come here.
Please proceed to the pool deck, where we’ll be serving bites of sourdough avocado toast and matcha pistachio cookies from Pura Vida. Did you know that as South Beach residents, you can get a 10% discount on any breakfast order exceeding $600?
Let me tell you about the grand prize of our 7 o’clock raffle to begin punctually around 7:45: Courtesy of Sips & Sinews Day Spa, the lucky winner will receive their trademark Miami Traffic Tension Relief treatment, which includes champagne-infused benzodiazepine, white-knuckle massage, and a bucket to scream into. After the raffle, we have a big surprise for you: a special assessment—no, assembly! So sorry, habit of expression, didn’t mean to scare you like that—we have a very special as-sem-bly of talented musicians to entertain: The Club Biscayne HOA’s own Loose Purse String Quartet, who will entertain you with a potpourri of classics composed by Jimmy Buffett.
In a moment, our servers will bring some delicious butter dough pastries and an assortment of high-octane espresso drinks from our in-house bakery. We offer a 10% discount on all coffee and pastry items after 9 PM Monday through Thursday, exclusively for our SoBe neighborhood friends.
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Who’s that person in a crochet bikini cover-up, violating our dress code? Miss, excuse me, Miss? May I help you? The pre-pre Columbus Day Regatta party is held at the Clevelander over on Ocean Drive. Oh, you’re a South of Fifth resident looking to upgrade? I beg your pardon, the crochet threw me. I’m sure I saw Mr. Bhai – one of the partners from the developers Conne, Demme & Bhai – lurking behind one of the planters by the yoga area. You can’t be too careful; some of the buildings here in Miami Beach are in a terrible state of disrepair. Have you tried our sweetened espresso? The combination of caffeine and sugar will rush to your head faster than a sun-charged iguana can leap up a palm tree at the sight of an approaching French bulldog in Romero Britto apparel. Ubiquitous little buggers, did you know you’re legally allowed to kill them? The iguanas, of course, not the dogs! They’re considered a highly invasive species, especially here in Miami Beach. Oh, Mr. Bhai! We were talking about you just now. Yes, you did hear me say in a state of disrepair, but that was a general observation. Please, try the Manchego-filled pastries, but go easy because one too many will have your large intestines backed up more hopelessly than the MacArthur Causeway during Miami Art Week. Gotta run, I see the NIMBYs from Fort Collins Avenue Condominiums trying to ensconce themselves in the reception area. Hey, NIMBYs! Return those sandbags to the delivery entrance at once. There’s a flood warning in effect until November.
Before we head upstairs, please take a moment to enjoy the view from our tastefully landscaped pool deck. If you look over my right shoulder and let your gaze wander over the shimmering bay, you will see the skyline of Brickell against the backdrop of a pristine, clear blue sky. And if you look over my left shoulder and let your gaze wander over the…suddenly choppy and ominous-looking bay, you will see the skyline of Downtown Miami being engulfed in thunderclouds moving swiftly towards us. Oh dear, it seems to be developing rather quickly…everyone, set your fitness trackers and run as fast as you can! Is that a waterspout? Flee, everyone! Flee from here as fast as that commie bastard city commissioner who proposed public transit solutions to alleviate traffic congestion! Away we go!
