We enter a television station in upstate New York. Reporter Christine Fabares takes center stage. Cameras buzz around her as crew members begin the t-minus countdown for live air. The countdown concludes, and the WNYSH Sacred Hollow Nightly News theme begins.
Christine Fabares:
Good evening. I’m Christine Fabares with WNYSHSacred Hollow Nightly News. Our top story tonight: McGruff the Crime Dog is getting rebooted for MAGA times. Created by advertising executive Jack Keil, the original McGruff debuted in 1980. After an initial run of adverts through the American nonprofit organization Ad Council, the bloodhound became a mascot for the National Crime Prevention Council, where he educated children on the importance of crime awareness and personal safety. Although McGruff embodied a hardened exterior, creator Jack Keil injected the animated bloodhound with plenty of empathy, thus making him the perfect educational mascot for children.
[…]
So, how does the new MAGA-coded McGruff stack up against the original? I sat down with Dan Keil, a marketing agent for the Trump administration and newly appointed writer of the rebooted McGruff character. If that name sounds familiar, you’re not mistaken: Dan Keil is a distant and estranged cousin to the original McGruff creator, Jack Keil. Jack’s next of kin kindly requested I emphasize the phrases distant and estranged. You’ll soon see why.
We cut to a pre-recorded interview segment with Christine Fabares and Dan Keil. The pair sits across from one another within a dark, ominous soundstage.
Christine Fabares:
When researching the origins of McGruff, I reached out to the Keil estate. The conversation around Jack’s legacy proved very informative and occasionally uplifting. However, the second I mentioned your name, the discussion took a rather sharp, unfortunate turn into the pits of despair. Is it safe to say that Jack’s children hate your guts to the moon and back?
Dan Keil:
First of all, that intel doesn’t check out. Jack never had children. I would know.
Christine Fabares:
Oh? Were you close?
Dan Keil:
I’d say so. We both established roots in Sacred Hollow. My house is about twenty minutes away from his former property.
Christine Fabares:
So, at one point, you had a meaningful relationship with Jack?
Dan Keil:
Oh, God, no. But I always felt-
[…]
When seeing someone with an outstanding life, I can’t help but feel a certain way.
Christine Fabares:
Admiration?
Dan Keil:
No. Envy. People loved Jack. He had this way about him. Success came easy.
Christine Fabares:
So, you were jealous?
Dan Keil:
Bitterly so. But in a way that benefited my development as a savvy businessman and, most importantly, a humble being.
Suddenly, an announcement plays over the in-studio intercom speaker.
Intercom Speaker:
Would the owner of a Cybertruck please report to parking garage B7? It’s parked horizontally across several handicapped zones. A tow truck is on the way.
Dan’s eyes widen. He darts out of his chair and makes a beeline for the parking garage. The pre-recorded interview jumps forward in time.
Christine Fabares:
Talk me through the reboot of McGruff. What can audiences expect from this iteration, and how does it differ from the original?
Dan Keil:
Well, Christine, I’ve updated the McGruff character for our current political climate. Trump voters will appreciate the inclusion of topics that support the MAGA agenda.
Christine Fabares:
But what about the children? How have they responded to the rebooted McGruff?
Dan Keil:
Funny you should ask–I brought footage from a recent seminar at Sacred Hollow Elementary. We had a McGruff mascot interacting with first-graders. I think the results speak for themselves.
Christine and Dan turn to an off-camera monitor, which displays edited footage of the seminar at Sacred Hollow Elementary. Within this footage, a grown man dressed in a shoddy McGruff the Crime Dog costume stands at the front of a first-grade classroom. The tattered costume includes the classic trench coat from the original design. Two discernible additions are apparent: A red MAGA hat and a Punisher pin latched to the lapel of McGruff’s trench coat.
McGruff the Crime Dog:
So, in conclusion, we can all agree that I’m undoubtedly overqualified to be a cop. Psychological evaluations are bullshit. I’m hoping President Trump can do something to eliminate these pesky assessments that prevent passionate patriots like myself from helping America eradicate the diseased freaks of the left. Until then, I’m taking law and order into my own paws. Any questions?
A first-grader raises their hand.
First-Grader #1:
Why support the police if they won’t let you join their clubhouse?
McGruff the Crime Dog:
Because they’re my brothers in blue! My issues are not with the police but the unfair hurdles aspiring officers must clear before becoming public servants.
First-Grader #1:
So, what do you mean by taking the law into your own paws?
McGruff the Crime Dog:
I’m an unlicensed detective. You know that dilapidated Pizza Hut on Cole Ave? I have an office in the dumpster across the street. Any other questions?
Another first-grader raises their hand.
First-Grader #2:
My mommy told me you have a nephew named Scruff. Is he here? I wanna pet him!
McGruff the Crime Dog:
No!
First-Grader #2:
Oh. Did he die?
McGruff the Crime Dog:
Not officially, but he’s dead to me!
First-Grader #2:
Did he break the law?
McGruff the Crime Dog:
Worse, he sinned. Scruff’s dating a human male who identifies as a Pomeranian.
First-Grader #2:
Is that bad?
McGruff the Crime Dog:
Of course!
First-Grader #2:
Why?
McGruff the Crime Dog:
Geez, you want me to spell it out for you? Don’t you practice Christianity?
First-Grader #2:
I don’t practice any religion. My mommy says it’s unnecessary.
McGruff the Crime Dog:
Yeah? Well, your mommy is booking a one-way ticket to the Sixth Circle of Hell, and if you’re not careful, your butt will burn there too, Cochise.
[…]
First of all, I’m an Evangelical Christian. I cannot, in good faith, maintain a relationship with a pup that twisted. Second of all, identifying as a Pomeranian? Really? Those tiny, whining bitches? Bloodhounds don’t date Pomeranians! Let alone human dude’s pretending to be Pomeranians.
Another first-grader raises their hand.
First-Grader #3:
What’s your sexual preference?
McGruff the Crime Dog:
My sexual preference? That’s your question?!
First-Grader #3:
It’s okay if you don’t know. Life is not a race, Mr. McGruff. We’re all just trying to figure out who we are.
McGruff the Crime Dog:
I know who I am, dammit! I’m McGruff the Crime Dog! I take bites out of crime!
First-Grader #3:
I was speaking metaphorically about sexual orientation.
McGruff howls in distress and exits the classroom.
We cut back to the pre-recorded interview with Christine Fabares and Dan Keil. Christine’s mouth hangs agape. Dan awkwardly clears his throat.
Dan Keil:
Initial thoughts?
Christine Fabares:
I don’t have the words to express what I just witnessed.
Dan Keil:
Well, look, the children couldn’t control their curiosity. So, I took a page from the film Space Jam and created a sexually charged female character who could play McGruff’s companion.
Christine Fabares:
Really? I find that interesting, seeing as how McGruff doesn’t appear to enjoy the topic of sex.
Dan Keil:
True. I never intended to introduce that aspect of the character, but kids wouldn’t stop questioning his preferences. It felt like an appropriate compromise.
We cut back to more footage of the seminar at Sacred Hollow Elementary. McGruff returns with several full-length portraits of a busty, scantily clad anamorphic female dog. The children appear confused as McGruff distributes the laminated portraits.
McGruff the Crime Dog:
Okay, kids. This is a picture of my very female, very straight companion. Her name is McBoned, the Stay-at-Home-Wife Dog. Notice her ample bosom and curvaceous figure. Is this doing anything for the guys in attendance? Show of hands.
Not one male first-grader raises their hand. Eventually, several female first-graders slowly raise their hands. McGruff howls in distress and exits the classroom permanently.
We cut back to the pre-recorded interview with Christine Fabares and Dan Keil.
Christine Fabares:
Well, that worked according to plan.
Dan Keil:
Your sarcasm is a bit thick, but yes. That could’ve gone better.
Christine Fabares:
I must admit, Dan, it doesn’t look like this rebooted version of McGruff is reaching children the way he used to. Perhaps a sprinkle of empathy would improve his chances.
Dan Keil:
Empathy is for the weak, Christine. The McGruff reboot seeks to bring America back to a golden era where wokeness didn’t exist.
Christine Fabares:
I see. Is it fair to say you scrapped all the anti-crime morality messaging of the original McGruff for regressive MAGA rhetoric?
Dan Keil:
Yes and No. Yes, in the sense that the rebooted McGruff is taking on the MAGA flag and waving it proudly. However, the original messages are still intact. We just transitioned those lessons to a different character. Are you familiar with D.A.R.E?
Christine Fabares:
Sure, Drug Abuse Resistance Education. Founded in Los Angeles in 1983. Did you reboot the D.A.R.E mascot, too?
Dan Keil:
Indeed, I did! Daren the Lion is back, talking all about the dangers of drugs. And get this–I got 94-year-old Clint Eastwood to perform the character! Costume and all!
We cut back to more footage of the seminar at Sacred Hollow Elementary. Daren the Lion (portrayed by a frail Clint Eastwood) enters the classroom. Like McGruff, Daren’s costume falls apart at the seams. Daren approaches a first-grader’s desk. He slams a baggie of smack atop the desk and glares at the child.
Daren the Lion (Portrayed by Clint Eastwood):
Go ahead. I D.A.R.E. you to make my day.
Terrified, the first-grader starts crying. Daren awkwardly leaves the classroom.
We cut back to the pre-recorded interview with Christine Fabares and Dan Keil. Dan appears sweaty and uncomfortable. He’s slowly realizing the error of his ways.
Christine Fabares:
Dan, I hate to ask, but I have to know. What other beloved PSA mascots of yesteryear got your disgusting MAGA facelift?
Dan sighs.
Dan Keil:
Smokey Bear.
We cut back to more footage of the seminar at Sacred Hollow Elementary. An actor portraying Smokey Bear enters the classroom wearing a poorly stitched costume.
Smokey Bear:
Only YOU can prevent forest fires. Any questions?
In an unexpected twist, the first-grade teacher raises their hand.
First-Grade Teacher:
What are your thoughts on the correlation between global warming and forest fires?
Smokey audibly gulps as his eyes dart back and forth.
First-Grade Teacher:
I mean, I agree: arsonists should face consequences. But can’t we focus our energy on long-term solutions to climate change while simultaneously denouncing fire-setters?
Smokey begins to sweat profusely. After several harrowing seconds, he manages to speak.
Smokey Bear:
Only YOU can prevent forest fires.
Smokey awkwardly exits the classroom as confused first-graders look on.
We cut back to the pre-recorded interview with Christine Fabares and Dan Keil. Dan hangs his head in defeat. A producer rushes into the soundstage and hands Christine a piece of paper. She reads from the paper.
Christine Fabares:
I just received a note from my producer. It says the Keil estate plans to sue you.
Dan Keil:
Yeah, that intel checks out.
Christine Fabares:
How much money do you expect to lose from this endeavor?
Dan Keil:
A lot. I don’t even think it’s a quantifiable number.
Christine Fabares:
And how do you plan to respond to the lawsuit?
Dan Keil:
I’m plotting my suicide as we speak.
The pre-recorded interview segment concludes. We cut back to Christine sitting confidently at her anchor desk.
Christine Fabares:
A fascinating display of debauchery. We can confirm that Dan Keil committed suicide last night. The plan was to drive his Cybertruck into the ocean and drown. Unfortunately, a faulty accelerator pedal caused the vehicle to careen into a Chick-fil-A, where it exploded on impact. There were no survivors.
