Have you dreamed of running the Department of Defense but are a lowly news anchor? Becoming The Secretary of the Navy with no military experience? The Ambassador to France and don’t speak a word of French? Pas de problème. You’ve come to the right place.
January 1025 2025 brought a world of change to our kingdom country and we’re looking for loyal subjects citizens to keep that change going. You will help activate ideas and solutions to take advantage of a brave new world of opportunity. Inspired by history’s most influential leaders like Stephen Miller, Steve Bannon, Steven Cheung, and Steve Witkoff—we intend to put those bothersome serfs Snowflakes in their place.
Experience Level
Absolutely no experience is necessary! In fact, the less experience the better. We’re particularly interested in people named “Steve”. (See above). And if you’re from South Africa and your name is “Steve”, you’re golden!
Our Perfect Candidate
You are driven! You are a go-getter! You cut your teeth on Ayn Rand but decided her philosophy was for pussies. The dog-eared copy of Mein Kampf you read when you were 12—still lies on your bedside table next to an AI photo of you and Putin on a horse, your arms wrapped tightly around his waist, a wistful smile on your face. You have no moral compass. Lying is mother’s milk to you. You live to cheat and steal. You think Integrity is a video game and Compassion, a popular combat fatigue company. You da man!
Extracurricular Activities
In the grand tradition of our ivy league colleges (happily soon to be a thing of the past ), we’re looking for candidates with a diverse array of extracurricular activities that showcase their talents, interests, and leadership skills like dabbling in sex trafficking, hot tubbing with under aged coeds, having long rambling conversations with a worm in your head, leaving a dead bear club in Central Park, and shooting your puppy. You get the idea. Be creative! You have some tough acts to follow!
Exciting New Positions
We’re particularly excited to announce three new departments—The Department of Government Efficiency run by the man who broke the world record for the largest loss of personal fortune in history when he bought a popular social media site; White House A.I. and Crypto Czar who’s bullish on crypto and could never be accused of insider trading, and Border Czar headed by “The Father of Family Separation” who’s back to continue hunting down and deporting the five year-olds responsible for all the crime in the United States. You’re welcome.
If you’re interested, please complete this application and mail it (the post office should be around for a few more months) to Mar-a-Largo, 1100 S Ocean Blvd, Palm Beach, FL 33480 with the (non-refundable) fee of $1500 (we take checks but prefer Crypto). All applicants will be carefully considered but don’t call us, we’ll call you.
Good luck!
P.S. Our company is an equal opportunist employer and will consider all applications as long as your check clears.