February 14, 2025
My beloved Giant Octopus,
Happy Valentine’s Day to my wife of fifteen years! I have loved you since the moment we defrosted from our joint hibernation, when a pod of crazed whales thrashed against our glacier of love and we consummated violently, erotically, ecstatically to the tantalizing tune of mayhem and carnage.
You have always been the smartest sea-creature I know—vertebrate or in-. You excel as a wife, a mother, and a partner. You are my lifeblood itself, and now that you are heavily, gorgeously pregnant with our seventeenth spawn-baby, I believe it is exactly the right time to begin practicing ethical non-monogamy.
This absolutely is not about my lack of inspiration in our stable relationship. No—it is my contribution to the feminist agenda: making myself available to progressive economies of relationship anarchy. Also, I am doing this out of concern for YOU. I have such an abundance of compassion to give that I fear it would be overwhelming for a single creature to receive it. It is imperative I spread my love all over the ocean. Ethically.
Dripping with anticipation,
Mega Shark
February 21, 2025
Dearest Octopussy,
I am super grateful that you suggested couples therapy with Dr. Jellyfish as a way to hash out our big-picture issues, because it has given me an opportunity for introspection that a fish doesn’t get everyday. With her help, and yours, I am swimming toward my deepest-sea self as fast as my fins can take me. (And it doesn’t hurt that she’s way hot!)
What’s nice about having a soulmate is that they can read the language of your soul before you can speak it yourself. That’s how I know that deep down, you still want to put the ink in kink. Even as you voiced your hesitations, babe, I heard your underlying eagerness, your hidden, rapturous desire. I KNOW that you’re going to love exploring various metamours. Just as much as I loved it the first time you thrust your ligula into my second gill slit. 😉
Now it is for you to interrogate your own abyssal being. What happens when we allow ourselves and each other the most intimate trust and freedom—the freedom of ethical non-monogamy? Who else should we bang to make our fullest selves known?
I hear your concerns, I do. But I have an answer for each:
- You fear my falling for someone else? No matter whom I rail and how many times, you are my truest love, forever and always.
- You worry we won’t have time and energy for this with all our children to raise? You have the highest brain-to-body mass of all invertebrates! You will handle this with libidinous grace.
- You think I am being conflict-avoidant and seeking validation from without? No, babe, I am re-committing to you and to our marriage by insisting that we intermittently see other fish. Romantically, there are no other fish in the sea for me—but sexually, yes, the ocean is our oyster.
Your pookie,
Mega Shark
March 21, 2025
Giant Octopus, my babiest girl,
Light of my life! Fire of my clasper! I was shocked to hear in therapy that you’ve gone on so many good dates in the past month—eight, already! I’d never slut-shame, but damn, babe, that’s one for each arm.
As you know, it hasn’t been going as smoothly for me. When you suckered all those dates into your tentacular grip, did you think about how it might make ME feel? My liver may make up a third of my body weight, but now, of all my organs, my heart is the heaviest.
After searching the whole wide ocean and failing to find even ONE suitable prospect who would have me, I understand now, YOU are the one for me. I want the ecstasy that comes from ONE fish loving ONE OTHER fish, transcending the carnal and achieving union with a SINGULAR soul mate.
Even if the battlefield of love feels like a pheromone trap like the one that lured us into battle royale in the first place, I know that the real munitions I need to win the war are the artillery of open-heartedness and emotional transparency.
Let’s get back together, my love. Just you and me. We didn’t need to open our relationship — what we really needed to do was open a dialogue.
Yours still,
Mega Shark
February 14, 2026
G.O.,
You’re leaving me?? On Valentine’s Day??! For DR. JELLYFISH??!?
This hurts worse than the time I jumped thousands of feet in the air and smashed headfirst into a commercial plane, sinking it, while you wrapped yourself around a drilling platform, also sinking it. My two-chambered heart is as mangled as the Golden Gate Bridge after I took a bite out of it. Why, Giant Octopus?? Why???
Perhaps I was born with the curse of emotional vulnerability. I am forced, by my own sensitive personality, to dig deeper: was I the problem all along?
Of course not.
Scientists and soldiers alike have conspired to turn us against one another for years—and now I see that it was just another saboteur who compelled me to believe that expanding our amorous horizons would fulfill me! I blame Dr. Jellyfish. Even though she’s a dime.
Please come back, my love. Bring Dr. Jellyfish too, if you want. While I am no longer interested in an open marriage, I would consider taking you both as sister wives.
Still open to the possibilities of non-traditional relationship structures that serve only me,
Mega Shark