Last week, you all changed my life. I didn’t even know it was possible to feel so good, so confident and comfortable in my own skin. We laughed, we cried, we danced. Then you left. I’ve got emotional whiplash, and I just wish you would come back. I promise I feel just as miserable as when you first showed up, so you can get a whole other episode out of me if you want.
I don’t feel miserable, I’m sorry. It’s just that last week felt like a movie. Or a TV show. For the first time in a long time, every day really felt like the first day of the rest of my life, instead of my third day in a row sitting alone on a couch from the 80s eating Hot Pockets. And you guys were amazing, so much cooler than I thought based on my niece’s original descriptions. I’ve been binging the show just to hear your voices and feel that epiphany of self-love again. But mostly I just feel jealous.
What I wouldn’t give to have my first chat with Karamo again. To overhear Tan roasting my wardrobe. To awkwardly offer Antoni a Hot Pocket. Actually, no, I wouldn’t do that again. But to have the chance to! It’s kind of torture watching these other episodes. I need to move on like Karamo told me to. But how can I forget about you all when it’s your advice I’m depending on every day?
Don’t get me wrong, my life is a lot better now than before you came. I woke up this morning in my dream bedroom. I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror, and thought, “Pretty good,” instead of giving myself a jump scare. Then I made a heart-healthy breakfast before driving into work with a purpose. That purpose was to get there before the donuts were all eaten. And I only ate seven-eighths of one! That’s an inside joke. Antoni knows what I’m talking about.
You’re all gone, and it’s tearing me apart. I’m really trying to stay positive but this week has been so boring compared with last week. Today, I was filing some paperwork and thinking, “Wow, last week JVN was dying my hair,” and I closed the cabinet drawer on my newly manicured fingers. As I fell to my knees, thinking this is not me taking better care of myself, people gathered around to help me up. Through my tears, I thought, for just a second, that you were back. But it was just Lachlan and Kevin from accounting. Talk about disappointing.
When I got home today, I flashed back to Jeremiah showing us all the remodel. Every little detail was so thoughtfully done. He even found pizza coasters. I’m almost too embarrassed to it admit it, but I’ve already lost half of them. Doesn’t that sound like someone who still needs the Fab 5’s help? A lot of help? Maybe a whole season’s worth? A guy’s gotta keep dreaming, right Karamo?
You’re like real life superheroes, and I get it, you’ve got to move on and save another runaway train or beard or basically me but from a different city. But if you ever want to come back, you’re always welcome. Also, Tan, I can’t figure out this French tuck thing so I’d appreciate a refresher on that.