Well, you were right. Your incredibly insensitive but even more easily offended friend, who always says no one gets her because she’s from Philadelphia, was also just an outwardly insensitive but easily offended jerk in Pennsylvania as well.
The Institute of Hypocritical Studies (IHS) conducted several interviews with her childhood friends, immediate and extended family, various educators, and even casual acquaintances as part of a clinical study about Phantom Geographical Douchebaggery Syndrome (PGDS). PGDS is a condition that describes people who consistently use the region of their upbringing as an excuse for their anti-social behavior, especially after relocating.
This research concluded that, from an early age, your friend chose to ignore any instinctual or taught social norms that stop most humans from blurting out the most insulting, toxic, and often incorrect vitriol to any innocent souls who happen to wander within her conversational range.
One anonymous interviewee said, “She had to move away from here because she did nothing but offend everyone around her every day. And that’s really hard to do in Philly. Her ‘I just tell it like it is’ thing didn’t fly here. We’re blunt and loud, but not complete assholes to those we love. She also had really thin skin and played the victim at the drop of a hat. I’m not surprised that moving to another state didn’t solve this for her.”
An anonymous interview subject from your friend’s hometown pointed out that she especially liked to start sentences with things like “I’m not racist, but,” “I don’t mind foreigners, but,” and “I don’t hate children, but,” which eventually alienated her from even her closest and least tolerant friends.
While PGDS tends to afflict people from the larger metropolitan areas on the East Coast, like Philadelphia, New York, and Boston most, there are also several hotspots in parts of California, such as San Francisco, Berkeley, and all of Orange County. Symptoms of the condition can differ greatly in West Coast cases, though. California natives with PGDS often use the area of their upbringing as an excuse for behavioral issues such as flaunting unearned privilege, a lack of work ethic, and general flakiness.
Phantom Geographical Douchebaggery Syndrome is not to be confused with Geographical Douchebaggery Syndrome (GDS). GDS is a relatively rare condition where someone moves from an area with speech patterns and expressions that greatly differ from their new surroundings and continually (but innocently) offends those in their new environment due to an actual misunderstanding. For every diagnosed case of GDS, there are approximately 1000 cases of PGDS.
Studies by the IHS have also suggested that people who suffer from PGDS are at least five times more likely to also suffer from Predatory Inverse Honesty Syndrome (PIHS) than those who do not have PGDS. PIHS is most easily recognized in people who constantly say that they “are open books” or “keep it 100.” Studies have consistently shown that these are, in reality, the people who are among the most deceptive and least self-aware in society. The current prevailing theory is that those with PIHS (often referred to as PIHSers) believe that by saying something they know is patently false out loud, it can simply become true.
So the next time your friend is acting up and blames their behavior on being from a certain region, you can confidently tell them, “No, you’re just being a jerk,” without guilt. For resources and advice on dealing with difficult people, reach out to the Society for the Prevention of Unchecked Douchebaggery (SPUD).
