We, your USPS, UPS, FedEx, and Amazon delivery drivers, want to thank you for your generosity in leaving out goodies for us every December while we deliver the fruits of your concerning displays of consumerism. (Even though you order a comparable number of packages year-round. Let’s not kid ourselves.)
While we always appreciate a bottle of water and the occasional slightly crushed bag of chips, we’d like to discourage you from including the following items:
Homemade cookies
We all have our talents and baking isn’t one of yours.
Cans of Diet Coke that exploded from the freezing temperatures
There’s this thing that sometimes happens when carbonated beverages get too cold.
Mini bags of Southwest Airlines pretzels you didn’t eat on your flight
Yes, we know they’re perfectly good and haven’t even been opened and you hate waste. (Are you recycling each of these cardboard boxes, by the way?)
Your children’s artwork
There’s a reason you didn’t want it on your fridge.
Those seasonal spiced gumdrops that taste like ass
It’s common knowledge which candies are actually good.
Boxes of condoms
We realize you’re trying to look cool with this one, but if you had any idea how much driving we’re expected to do each day, you’d know there’s no way in hell we have time to get laid during a shift.
Books you liked enough to recommend but not enough to keep
Also, this appears to be a library copy.
Re-gifted Fortnite or Roblox gift cards you don’t want your son to have because he’s already too addicted to gaming
It’s too late, anyway—he already scratched off the silver coating on the back to get the PIN.
Extra prayer cards from your uncle’s funeral
We’re sure he was a lovely man and you have our sincerest condolences, but these would probably mean more to someone who knew him.
Cans of the grapefruit flavor from your White Claw variety packs
Drinking alcohol is kind of frowned upon both on the job as well as while driving in general. (Plus, everyone knows black cherry is superior).
Free government COVID tests
We remember delivering them to you in the first place and know that they’re definitely expired by now.
Your unpackaged AncestryDNA and 23andMe tubes of spit
There are proper ways of submitting those for genealogical testing that don’t involve your drivers directly handling them.
No pressure, but Andre down the street is giving out Oreos, mocha Frappuccinos, and Red Bull (sugar-free and regular), in case you want to step up your game.
We suspect what you really want out of this is reassurance that you’re still a good person despite your unignorable materialism and Kong-sized carbon footprint. Sure, we’re happy to give you that … but could you please stop requesting 501(c)(3) receipts from us? This stuff isn’t considered a tax-deductible donation.
Thanks for thinking of us, and happy holidays.
