(An Essential ‘Step-By-Step’ Guide for Successfully Getting Out of the Building)
You’re never prepared when it occurs. You’ve repeatedly pushed the idea out of your mind. Life’s problems have solutions, and disasters only affect other people, right? Despite warnings, you’ve brushed off the possibility while naively thinking, “It will never happen to me!” And then it does happen.
While in your office at 8:00 am, you suddenly notice that everyone in the factory that employed you is panicking. You wonder what all the commotion is about, so you walk out and observe a horrifying scene. Papers are strewn all over the place, manlifts and other types of equipment have been abandoned, and your co-workers are shoving each other in a desperate attempt to flee. You’re about to ask why, but this question is answered a few moments later when you see “them” converging into the main area of the building from the north, east, and west entrances.
Out of instinct, you push the door shut and lock it before turning off the lights and hiding under your desk. As seconds roll by, you try to control your breathing so you can think rationally, but you begin to hear screaming. Reality then fully hits you. Corporate has come to visit!
It doesn’t matter if you’re a machine operator, a mechanic, a customer service specialist, or even a data analyst. Professional ranking is meaningless when a catastrophe is unfolding. By following these steps, however, you may be able to escape before a member of the inspection team locates your position and schedules a meeting.
1) Make that “final” phone call.
Think of someone close. This could be a family member, a friend, or even the emotionally-unbalanced nymphomaniac you copulated with in the back seat of someone else’s car several weekends ago while you were loaded full of Pabst Blue Ribbon and UV Blue Vodka. If your cell phone has reception, tell this person that the building is surrounded and that this may be the last time they will hear your voice.
2) Gain higher ground.
You’re not a hero, so don’t try to be professional. The hard work you’ve done for the company over the past 3 weeks will mean nothing when you’re being relentlessly accosted by inquiries about how you perform the fundamental requirements of your position. Survival is priority!
And the first floor is NOT where you should be. Locate a mezzanine (or some type of indoor balcony) and get there fast while your helpless, confused, and weeping co-workers are being assailed to death with extremely complicated questions pertaining to the daily operation of the facility. Get beside the nearest tank or stack of shipping boxes, and stay out of view.
3) Think positive and remain level-headed despite the chaos ensuing below.
You’re trembling at this point, but there is still a chance you haven’t been spotted. Think rationally, and don’t listen to the intense wailing beneath you as supervisors are rounded up and asked about the previous month’s inventory count. Use this precious time to engage in positive self-talk.
Remember! You went to 4 different community colleges when you were younger, and you eventually passed that “Introduction to Sociology” class that was giving you trouble even though it took 47 hours of intense tutoring that was paid for by your parents. And who won that 3rd grade “pencil drawing contest” for being really good at drawing pictures of pencils? YES! THAT’S RIGHT! YOU DID! In other words, you’re smart, you’re resourceful, and you’re going to survive this! God-Damnit!
4) Observe activity beneath you around mid to late morning.
At some point before noon, the corporate team will disperse, and a majority of them will head towards the main conference room to discuss the company’s lack of profit during the previous quarter as well as the ever-growing problem of employee drug use. (The incident during which a forklift driver hallucinated, saw a flying gargoyle with a vagina on its forehead, and then drove through a warehouse before smashing into a UPS truck full of office supplies did raise a few eyebrows.)
5) Maintain self-confidence and form the ultimate plan of action.
When the main floor clears up and power-points are being shown about how the plant could drastically improve its performance, scan the lower surface for fellow employees who are weaker than you.
Also, take comfort knowing that the so-called “visitors” who are still near potential exits will eventually wear down due to jet-lag as well as the wine-induced orgy that was held in a nearby hotel the previous night after they were greeted by management.
6) Forgive yourself for what you’re about to do….take a deep breath…. and GO!
Time will stop and everything will seem like a blur after you hurl a vacuum cleaner, a portable air blower, or a big box full of tools over the side of the balcony to create a distraction.
While the remaining corporate members are trying to figure out what’s going on, barrel ferociously down the stairs, grab one of the human resources staff, and keep him or her in front of you as you make an all-out, half-crazed, berserk dash towards freedom. When the poor individual you are effectively using as a human shield is exhausted from absorbing the bombardment of company-related questions that you wouldn’t have been able to answer, simply drop his or her body on the floor and leap through the nearest window.
After you sprawl across the cement parking lot outside, ignore the shards of glass that are stuck in your body, utilize the adrenaline still surging through your veins to crawl to your vehicle, and drive away as fast as you can without looking back.
Once you get home, open up your laptop or your Smartphone, and search for other jobs immediately! You can call a hospital or a therapist later.
