Step #1: Compose a cover letter that displays your sincere interest in the position as well as your professionalism. Also, do not forget to show all due respect to the management office that does the hiring.
Dear Fuckers,
I was wiping my ass with a piece of newspaper last night when I saw that your company has a position available for an “Assistant Program Analyst / Coordinator of Special Events.” I don’t really know what the hell that title means or what the position actually requires, but I’m interested because I’m broke and my rent is due next week.
If you’re anything like the last unholy and greedy company that laid me off unexpectedly, then I’m sure this experience should be profoundly wonderful as I toil endlessly in order to make sure that those at the top of your corporate structure are even happier and wealthier than they were before.
From the bottom of my heart, I really hope that I can endure both mental headaches and perhaps even physical exhaustion as I writhe in complete agony under a supervisor who yells at me all the time, criticizes everything I do, and then tells me to be “more positive” for the ultimate sake of pleasing smug jerk-offs who make decisions that I have no control over.
Yours in complete servitude because I have no choice.
Sincerely,
[Your Name Here]
Step #2: After composing a cover letter decorated with the finest of literature as well as your positive attitude, draw a pretty picture for them.
Pictures are fun, right? Everybody loves pictures!
For this step, I just recommend drawing a picture of a huge corporate penis going directly into an employee’s backside.
If you can draw a pretty picture like that, then it will complement your cover letter perfectly.
Step #3: Clearly state your objectives while using the “college talk” you learned how to use before you were kicked out of a university.
When applying for the next job that will suck the energy out of you completely and cause you to lose your desire to keep living, use specific objective phrases such as:
A) My goal is to successfully and substantially utilize my own professional qualities in order to outwardly project a sense of profound leadership
and…
B) I have the utmost confidence that my communication skills will be perceived as non-judgmental and highly affirmative.
Be specific about your goals, and show your potential employer that you were actually high on marijuana and intoxicated while writing all of those college papers.
In this section, provide the name of the university that expelled you and include all of the online courses you never completed.
Step #4: List all 17 of the part-time jobs you were fired from before adding a special note that your drinking and driving record has been “expunged” by a professional attorney.
Listing your previous work experience is very important because it allows you to show your potential employer that you’ve successfully burned every bridge in town when it comes to being employed. It also highlights the fact that this particular company is the very last chance you have before you are forced to move out of the area.
Use this section to mention that part (but not all) of your criminal record has been “expunged.” Employers like seeing that word on a résumé. Your drinking and driving record is in the past, and you’ve already spent time in a holding cell. They will appreciate your honesty on this particular point as they scroll through pages upon pages of reports when they do a background check.
If you would like to mention that you once took a dump in front of a college administration building before spending the rest of the night evading campus security and that you also drunkenly peed all over a building where Catholic nuns used to do confessions, then feel free to do so.
Step #5: List a few of your skills and ask pertinent questions.
After listing two or three of your skills that have nothing to do with what the position requires, ask pertinent questions such as:
A) When do I get paid?
B) Are there any cute girls currently employed there?
C) Can I actually get stuck in an office where I’m given numerous amounts of grueling and pointless tasks before I’m emasculated and demoted?
and…
D) How lousy and pathetic is the retirement plan you offer?
Step #6: Provide a list of references.
This part may be difficult because correctional officers usually never display their first names on their blue shirts, and their phone numbers are hard to find.
But if you can provide the company with the address of the institution (or institutions) that you spent several years in, as well as your previous DOC number, that may help.
Finding old friends who don’t completely hate you is also an avenue that you can potentially explore as you desperately look for people who are willing to support your next move into a career that will drain your soul and cause you endless amounts of agony until you die a cold, lonely, and bitter death.
Step #7: Be patient.
You may feel desperate to get back into a workplace that is loaded full of horrifying politics, endless back-stabbing, grief, pressure, and hopeless amounts of spirit-crushing despair, but just be patient.
If you keep an open mind, stay positive, and build up your résumé as best you can, then you’ll be getting yelled at by your next boss in no time.
