As of June 13th, Donald J. Trump has been arraigned on 37 counts of mishandling classified documents in his ballroom, his shower, and yes, his bathroom. But so what? Lots of people need external assistance to go number two. Think about all the laxatives, over-the-counter enemas, and Activia yogurt people consume. Isn’t it the norm now to not even be able to sit on a toilet seat without looking at pictures on your phone? Well, Trump just wants to look at the nuclear contingency planning of the United States of America. It relaxes him, it relaxes his bowels. Maybe Trump doesn’t get the necessary fiber from his daily food intake, so he needs to go over documents on the military capabilities of foreign countries, records related to the CIA, the NSA, State Department and Defense. Chill stuff that’s safe in anyone’s hands.
Did you know that the former Miss Universe pageant producer/president doesn’t take Metamucil? That’s why having the documents wasn’t enough, he also had to share them. And what relaxes your sphincter faster than disclosing a highly sensitive plan of attack against Iran to visitors at your New Jersey golf club? He needs it like you need your coffee in the morning. You see, when Trump shared a top-secret military map with his staff, he was only doing it so none of them would have to wait in line behind him to use the restroom. Do you know any bad president who has been so thoughtful? Trump was even caught on tape saying to his staff, “Wait, no, don’t get too close.” While most would assume this means he knew it was illegal to share the documents, we can’t say that for sure. He could have just been quoting one of his many, many rape victims.
He didn’t return the documents. Big deal, he wanted to shit in peace. So when he was subpoenaed by the government last year, instead of turning them over, he did what any upstanding citizen with a messy caca issue would do, and met with his lawyer. When Trump realized his lawyer, Evan Corcoran, was going to cooperate with the government, he asked another employee to move a grand total of 64 boxes out of his storage room before Corcoran could even look. To the untrained eye, that would seem so so guilty, but what the government fails to understand is that sometimes Trump shits in the storage room. He needs those docs in there. Also, 60 of those boxes were filled with baked beans. The poor guy was trying to wean off the documents by changing his diet. It’s rumored they even found prune juice and flaxseeds, something Trump would formerly never have embraced.
Unfortunately, Corcoran was still able to find 38 documents with classified markings (honestly they were probably just shit stains) so the FBI got a warrant to search Mar-a-lago. I mean, the FBI really doesn’t need to inspect Trump’s private residence. A serious criminal investigation? Yeah, maybe into the dumping habits of an ex-president/Playboy Centerfold documentary star. The only thing Trump wants obstructed is the absolutely tragic manure coming out of his butt. Okay, Trump was recorded asking his lawyer, “Wouldn’t it just be better if we told them we didn’t have anything here?” Again, this might prove Trump was intentionally lying, but to be fair, telling “them” might mean racial minorities, and not having “anything here” could mean wealth and resources in America.
The FBI found 100 additional classified documents? Get a life, FBI. They’re charging Trump with conspiracy to obstruct justice, providing the government with false statements, and violation of the espionage act. Why don’t they understand?? Not everyone can simply get a squatty potty, a stool softener, and have autonomy over their anus. People forget that you shit every day.
We all have different, sometimes weird methods of achieving our everyday goals. How do you get yourself to shit? To fall asleep at night? Trump can’t sleep, for instance, without inciting an insurrection. He can’t brush his teeth without making it legal to shoot bears, he can’t tie his shoes without hiring some Nazis, and he can’t shower without creating a law that makes your Internet browsing history available to big businesses and then allows them to sell your Internet browsing history to whoever they want.
He’s a funny quirky guy who says things that can’t be taken too seriously all the time. When Trump says this investigation is run by “democrats” that’s code for the Republican FBI director appointed by Trump himself. So what? When he blames “Joe Biden” for his indictment, he really means a grand jury of everyday Florida citizens who reviewed all the evidence. Who cares? When Trump declares this a “witch hunt” he’s not trying to invoke the murder of 15th-century single and widowed women on the margins of society, but a genuine attempt to say they’re wrongfully accusing a dude who’s nothing but a cool rebel like James Dean or the character he plays in 1994’s The Little Rascals. Let’s move on. This silly little guy does silly little things. Sure, a lot of people are going to be suspicious that he boarded a plane with these documents, but they’re Trump’s security blanket. His doodie blanky. The United States’ detailed nuclear weaponry capacities are just like the emotional support dog no one ever wanted to give him. Get over it. When Trump says these documents were “innocent” or that they were “his,” he’s not full of shit, he’s being his old modest self. The honorable, humble man we all admire. And if he is full of shit, it’s only because they took those documents away.
