I visit places and write about them from the eyes of an outsider. But I can’t look at Miami that way. I was born and raised there. Here are my impressions.
Mini History Lesson
In the late 1800s, a local property owner (Julia Tuttle) convinced a railroad tycoon (Henry Flagler) to expand to South Florida. Miami was born, and she was named its founder. It’s the only major American city founded by a woman. #girlboss
New Yorkers and Jews hungry for warmth and financial opportunities moved to Miami. Caribbeans and Latin Americans (lots of Cubans), hungry for food and better lives, did the same.
The only snow you’ll see on Miami’s warm streets is Cocaine. The 1980s were notorious for Miami’s cocaine trade. It seeped through with overwhelming numbers reshaping and skyrocketing the city’s economy. Today the drug and their cultural impact are everywhere.
In 1992, Hurricane Andrew ripped through the city. The damage changed its approach to city planning and construction. Today, Miami locals aren’t scared of hurricanes. They look forward to them. Don’t worry. Go to Publix for extra toilet paper and expect a hurricane party invitation in your messages.
Weather
Hot and sticky. It’s constant and endless. Stay inside, near an overworked air conditioning. Miami’s most essential worker: AC repairmen.
Sweaty skin and oily faces are year-long fashion accessories. Wet t-shirt contests aren’t hidden away somewhere after hours. They’re on during the day on the city sidewalks.
Like rats and stray cats in other cities, lizards and iguanas roam the streets. Ignore them.
Never-ending heat warps the idea of what cold is. For locals, sweaters are necessary when temperatures dip below 70 degrees.
Heavy rain is the only interruption to the heat, and it’s frequent. But it only impedes the heat. It doesn’t stop anything. Heavy rain in Miami is business as usual but with more traffic and emergency lights.
Food
Miami runs on Cuban coffee. It’s a tiny cup of rocket fuel loaded with dangerous sugar levels. They’re sold at tiny walk-up windows scattered all over the city, called Ventanitas. They’re cherished on a spiritual level.
Stealing mangoes from a neighbor’s yard isn’t breaking the law. It’s a coming-of-age tradition for all teens.
Pollo Tropical is more popular than McDonald’s.
Mozzarella sticks might be on the menu, but in Miami, people get croquetas and queso Frito.
Don’t ask if that’s caramel in your food. It’s not. It’s dulce de leche.
People
Some call it rude. I call it animated and energetic.
Machismo is everywhere, you can’t see it, but you sense it, like a bad cologne.
Looking for Florida Man? Head north, away from Dade County, towards Georgia and Mississippi. Stop when you hit the deep, deep south. That’s where Florida Man lives. Miami is a separate country located in Florida.
In Miami, easy money is the ultimate goal. Laws are merely obstacles. Blue-collar work is reserved for respectable people who lack imagination. It’s a big city full of hustlers that work hard to avoid hard work. The workforce is forced to work, and calling out last minute becomes a vital life skill by 18.
People pay bills through scams, nightclub promotions, and gambling on crypto (sorry… investing). Most don’t have a job “title,” and every one holds a real estate certification. Pro tip: if you hate riddles, avoid asking people, “What do you do?”
Looking good is a priority! Wealth is flaunted regardless of actual wealth. A few years ago, a study reported most people in Miami own a car lease they can’t afford.
A gym membership, diet goals, and style are a must. If that’s not your thing, cosmetic professionals are eager to help. It’s no surprise Miami is the porn capital of the country.
Trust is rare for a good reason. Is that person with a sexy accent interested in you, or do they need immigration papers? Ignore websites, phone numbers, and business cards. Check their Instagram. Miami runs on it. Instagram and Cocaine are Miami’s power couple.
The City
TRAFFIC. Miami is car-centric. The city isn’t built up. It’s spread out. Nothing is walkable, and using public transportation is an exercise in masochism. Driving a car isn’t a choice. It’s a dependency.
Traffic laws are suggestions. Turn signals are so rare when I bought my first car, I expected the turn signals to be an extra cost.
Depending on your level of aggressiveness, parking in Miami can take between 3 to 40 minutes. Even at home — the city’s high cost of living forces family members to live together. The result is homes with many generations sharing a clogged parking lot. Visitor parking spots are priceless.
Boating and water activities are fun but expensive. If you’re interested, reset your Groupon password or ask a local friend for help. They’ll know a guy.
The city loves and supports its sports teams sink or swim, except the Dolphins. They don’t swim.
In Miami, late-night parties and drinks are available everywhere. 24-hour binges are encouraged and celebrated. But if you’re going to let your inner ratchet out, remember Abuelitas are everywhere. Be polite.
