It’s me, Allan Stewart Konigsberg. You may know me better as Woody Allen (or America’s Sweetheart). I am most recognized for being an Academy Award-winning director, Grammy-winning standup comedian, and writer. To be honest with you, none of that really matters to me. What you may not know about me, though, is that I love children.
Of all of the things in the universe, children bring me the most joy. You know, the lack of awareness of all the cruelty in the world. The laughter from a silly joke or tickle. The greatest hug one could ever ask for. All of the purity in life comes from children.
With that in mind, my instincts were quite aroused when I learned that there is a Child Safety and Protection Month every November.
I truly believe that, while some may call me a bit of a bohemian, my passion for children lends itself to being one of the best-suited individuals to lead the way on Child Safety and Protection Month. I’d like to, you know, if you would indulge me, present some ideas on how we can protect our most precious commodity.
Stranger Danger
Please, please, please teach your children this tried-and-true adage. It’s so very important that they know how to stay away from anyone they are unaware of or uncomfortable with. Of course, as an ally of Child Safety Protection Month, I would be more than happy to introduce myself to everyone so this would never be the case when we cross paths, whether it be up close or from a distance.
An All-Encompassing Database
This just seems like a no-brainer to me. As head of Child Safety and Protection Month, a clean spreadsheet with addresses, phone numbers, class schedules, and favorite candies would be an extremely handy tool. If anyone is ever lost or alone, come on over to Woody’s house and I’ll be sure to use the information provided to get them back safe and sound. Worst-case scenario, you know, I have plenty of room for sleepovers.
Tracking Apps
I’ve been working on this for a while, and it’s something I’m incredibly exuberant about and proud of. I have developed a social media app in which upon registration, I would have access to little Johnny and Jane’s whereabouts 24/7. No hiding from me! This is another groundbreaking step in ensuring our pride and joy’s protection. Now available in the App Store and Google Play – simply search “Get Woody” and download today!
It’s been a pleasure speaking with you, and I thank you for taking the time. As I look back on previous Child Safety and Protection Months, I know that guiding the youth through this confusing world is the most passionate project of my career. My wife, who was also once a child, and I look forward to spreading all of our love this November, you know, and all Novembers to come.
(Photo credit: Raffi Asdourian)
