The midterm elections are upon us, and it’s that time of year when Americans go to the polls with vicious hate in their hearts for the person they are voting against. It is also the midterms of the NFL season, and in the spirit of this stress-inducing, vitriolic, and do-or-die moment for our democracy, we thought it would be fun to hand out some midseason awards.
And heeeeeerrrrre they arrrrrreeeee…
Smelliest Plane Ride: The Denver Broncos. The Broncos’ team flight to London to play the Jaguars won in a landslide, thanks to Russell Wilson, who did high knee stretches while walking back and forth through the aisles for four hours. Honorable mention went to the Patriots for their flight to Green Bay just hours after Matt Patricia ate Mexican food.
Worst Decision By a Player Married to a Brazilian Supermodel: This was a tough decision, but we’ll have to go with Tom Brady of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for coming out of retirement against the wishes of his wife, Gisele Bündchen, which led to her divorcing him. Runner-up goes to Julain Edelman for reportedly leaving the toilet seat up one night to the dismay of his girlfriend, Brazilian supermodel Daiane Sodré.
The Richie Incognito Best Name Award: This is always a close race, but this year we have a new winner in Lil’Jordan Humphrey. Lil’Jordan, the Patriots wide receiver, narrowly outpolled Bears wide receiver Equanimeous St. Brown. Lil’Jordan was not named after fast-talking, no-jacket-wearing Ohio State wrestling guy Jim Jordan, as most of you probably assumed. No, reportedly his parents were big fans of the NBC medical drama Crossing Jordan, starring the delightful Jill Hennessy, as well as the hilarious Depression-era comic strip Lil’ Abner. Lil’Jordan unseated the GOAT, five-time Best Name winner HaHa Clinton-Dix.
Best Denial of Quarterback Controversy: Bill Belichick, New England Patriots. Belichick’s denial that there was ever a quarterback controversy between Mac Jones and Bailey Zappe was a thing of beauty. He expertly managed to dodge, sidestep, dissemble, deflect, grunt, snort, and claim as hypothetical any question that asked him who the quarterback was. And then, when he finally did name a starter, he blamed the media for creating a controversy, then did a soft shoe off the podium with a top hat and cane, while saying “jazz hands.”
Most Lions Moment: This is always our favorite midterm award, as it is pretty self-explanatory. It usually goes to the Lions, because, well, they are the Lions, but it can go to any team that exhibits Lion-like characteristics. There were two great Lions moments in the first half of the season, and neither involved the Lions. One came last week when DJ Moore of the Panthers caught a 62-yard touchdown pass from PJ Walker with 23 seconds to tie the game at 34. A simple extra point would win it. But Moore took his helmet off during the TD celebration and was penalized 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct, which was assessed on the extra point, which, of course, the kicker missed. It went to overtime and they lost, as you knew they would.
But the Most Lions Moment has to go to the Miami Dolphins for the infamous Butt Punt against the Bills on September 25. With just over a minute left, Dolphins punter Thomas Morstead, punting from his own end zone, punted the ball into the butt of his blocker, Trent Sherfield. The ball bounced off his butt into the end zone for a Bills’ safety that cut the Dolphins lead to 21–19. Not only do you get the Butt Punt, but you also got the ensuing booth freakout from Bills OC Ken Dorsey as the Bills ran out of time before attempting what could have been the game-winning field goal. Very Lions.
Well, that’s it – another midterm in the books. We’ll see you for the next midterm awards at the end of the season, also known as the End of the Season Midterm Awards. And remember, vote this Tuesday, unless you are inclined to vote for the wrong person; then you can just stay home and watch a game or something.
