1. Did you once try to write a novel based loosely on your own experiences only to have the main character die on page ten before you spilled Canadian whiskey all over your desk and fell backward off your chair?
2. Does the Peppermint Schnapps you keep in your cupboard help you cope when people get headaches, become highly stressed out, and eventually fall asleep whenever they proofread drafts of your work?
3. A very prestigious literary magazine shut down and went offline after receiving one of your short stories. Does a nice, tall glass of Long-Island iced tea help you feel ‘less responsible’ for the fact that all the editors resigned and found different jobs after reading your masterpiece?
4. Do Saturday mornings usually involve recovery as well as a ‘guilty feeling’ as you struggle to delete your “internet search history” for technical writing careers at companies that offer consistent paychecks and bonuses on holidays?
5. Do Saturday evenings typically begin with a smooth glass of Southern Comfort as you try to deny the fact that you spent the previous night intoxicated while drooling at a plethora of images (and GIFS) of completely exposed licensing agreements, standard operating procedures, marketing strategy reports, and corporate manuals as your right hand slowly made its way down into your pants?
6. Does the ‘tantalizing lure’ of the bottle of Blue UV Vodka behind the bartender at your local tavern keep your mind from continually fantasizing about all the employee handbook rules and process documentation you could potentially construct? (And does it also keep your right hand from slowly making its way down into your pants as you dream of retiring on a sunny beach and not starving to death in a dilapidated apartment after numerous failed attempts to pursue your “artistic” goals?)
7. Spiced rum drizzling through the cubes of a freshly-presented cocktail seems nice, doesn’t it? Is this how you prevent thoughts of freely (and shamelessly) strolling through life with no byline from constantly entering your mind?
8. Even when you’re completely tanked and your vision is blurred after numerous shots of Everclear, do you become aggravated, defensive, and try to change the subject whenever somebody mentions some companies need individuals to write software instruction pamphlets?
9. The gritty and eye-opening pages of a consumer product case study clearly appeal to you more than a Hunter S. Thompson or Charles Bukowski novel, but do those distressing thoughts quickly vanish after you drain the numerous mini wine samplers you purchased at a nearby grocery store?
10. Did you finally feel more comfortable with the “truth” after going through a rather painful and lengthy intervention (during which family members and friends who were stressed to the max with your ‘out-of-control’ attempts at creative expression) finally had to take your laptop away before handing you an application for an IT Communications firm as well as a flask of Jack Daniel’s?
Answer Key:
A) Yes
B) No
C) Maybe
D) Fuck You!
E) I actually have a life, and I’ve never really thought about any of this shit!
F) I wrote a ‘New York Times Best-Seller,’ and I live in a mansion now. So, eat it!
G) What kind of obnoxious and self-deprecating asshole would actually ask a question like this?
or…
H) I’m not an alcoholic, but I’m deeply considering becoming one after reading this.
