BELMAR, NJ-Citing the complete and total control they hold over the deep, all humans earlier today were in utter disbelief at the fact sharks have not just eaten everyone at this point. Speaking from her laboratory at the Institute of Marine and Coastal Sciences at Rutgers University, marine life expert, Anna Kaparova says, “Sharks constitute a superorder of carnivorous animals who have existed on this planet for over 400-million years and grow upwards to 46 ft and I am completely perplexed as to why they are not eating the shit out of everyone.”
Kaparova added that shark teeth are continuously regrowing so even if they lost one chomping off some Australian’s leg, they’d just grow a new one. She finished explaining this tooth phenomenon by stating “Like what the Hell?!”
Beach-goer Brandon Wells expressed similar bewilderment. “I mean we just stand there in the ocean doing nothing. I can barely swim and I would consider myself one of the safer people out there. Why in the world don’t they just swim by, take my leg, and swim back the other way to take the rest? It makes no sense. Are they full?”
But evidence has shown sharks are rarely, if ever, full. Autopsied sharks have revealed the sea monsters eat everything from license plates to armchair cushions, but their stomach contents are largely devoid of the children they should be ripping apart at will. A confidential source at the White House revealed to this reporter that President Joe Biden begins every Monday debrief by asking how many thousands of bathers had lost their lives to the jaws of the shark horde that past week. When officials tell him none, President Biden is said to lean back and whisper to himself, “What has this all been about?”
