A new report finds that remembering that, at age 22, Anne Hathaway starred in a sequel to a movie about a young woman who discovers she’s secretly a princess will make you feel better about your own pathetic life.
“I was feeling really fucking shitty about the fact that my boyfriend just dumped me because I lack life ambition,” said Michelle Ricardo. “But all of a sudden, it came to me: Anne Hathaway played the protagonist in not one but two terrible movies about finding out she’s the princess of a made-up land called Genovia.”
“She has an Oscar now,” Ricardo added. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I just ate Nutella out of the jar with my finger,” said Kristen Meed, who asked that her age be kept private. “But I look a lot younger; everyone says so. I thought, Well, this is rock bottom. Then, I recalled how Anne Hathaway’s character was supposed to get married by age, like, 21 or risk giving up the Genovian throne forever, and that’s just patently absurd.”
“I mean, the fact that Anne Hathaway also makes terrible life choices,” Meed clarified.
The news isn’t all good, however. The report also revealed that realizing that Julie Andrews had reprised her role as Queen Clarisse Renaldi, grandmother of Hathaway’s Mia Thermopolis, had the reverse effect on people’s fragile psyches.
“Oh my God,” Ricardo said. “That’s what she did after The Sound of Music? I’m going to die alone.”
Elsewhere, Meed threw the jar of Nutella into the trash before fishing it out when she realized she hadn’t fully gotten her fix.
