I
Son,
Are you frustrated because you don’t have plans for Sunday night? It’s the loneliest night of the week, and being single creates a lot of obstacles to not feeling lonely.
That’s why personalities like Dad, your divorced sister, and Martha from Synagogue are all using Sunday night dinner at my place to combat their loneliness.
I’m cooking lasagna 🙂
What time will you be over?
Mom
II
Son!
Maybe you missed my first email. Bumping to the top of your inbox just in case – I know loneliness can fog the mind.
Speaking of, Sunday dinner is still on. I’d love to connect.
I’m thinking of baking cookies.
Should I save you a seat?
Mom
III
Son!
There is a reason why your divorced sister, Dad, Martha from Synagogue and now Rabbi Samuels* are all coming over for Sunday dinner.
It’s fun, and would do you good.
Does it make sense for you not to be lonely for an evening and come?
What’re you drinkin’?
Mom
*his wife passed 🙁
IV
Son,
Didn’t make it last Sunday. No sweat! Another night of HBO and pornography, no doubt.
Perhaps we’ll see eye-to-eye if I give it to you straight: My main objective is to spend time with you.
We both know a Sunday dinner together, with the woman who raised you, is good for both of us. I’ll even let you smoke weed before.
But don’t take it from me, look at this Instagram post from your divorced sister, who we learned is going on a date next week (I think dinner rejuvenated her soul).
Let’s find time for a FaceTime!
Mom
V
Hi son,
Not sure if you saw my last message about letting you smoke weed? In the house is cool; I just bought a vape. And a bong. What’s a dispensary?
Please come home.
Mom
VI
Sweetheart,
Your Dad is dying…
for you to try my new chicken parm recipe.
What night works best for you?
Mom
VII
Mom!
I was on vacation, I thought I told you that. 
You know I love you. I can check my calendar to see what Sunday works best.
You don’t have to pretend Dad is dying to get my attention…
VIII
Son!
Thanks so much for getting back to me. I’m glad to hear you’re interested in interacting with the family and battling your loneliness, because you’re single and we know that’s a proven obstacle to achieving happiness.
Perhaps steaks are in order. Our Thursday night package starts with steaks, goes to garlic bread, and is easily transferable into a weekly thing.
Attached is a PDF of the menu. I’ll give you a second to look it over, then we can discuss. And if you’re not the best person to talk to, feel free to include your brother who’s a doctor and lives in Seattle and thinks he’s better than us.
What time works best for you for a FaceTime?
Mom
