In an effort to compete with Netflix and Disney Plus, NBC’s Peacock has revived the 1960s hit Queen for a Day, hosted by actress and multi-millionaire many times over Sarah Jessica Parker.
During the show, three female contestants are interviewed to determine which of them is the most hopelessly downtrodden. The winner – the woman deemed to be the biggest indigent by audience applause – will have her fondest wish come true.
The show has been described as tasteless, degrading to the human spirit, and more damaging to women than an unnecessary hysterectomy.
Here is a transcript of the first episode:
Sarah Jessica Parker: Welcome back to Queen for a Day on Peacock!
[Audience cheers enthusiastically.]
SJP: Let’s meet our contestants. Pauper #1, where are you from?
Pauper #1: I’m from Alligator Town, Mississippi, population 208, and 10% of the town lives in my bungalow!
SJP: I understand you have thirteen children, but no husband?
Pauper #1: That’s right. I’m homeschooling thirteen boys and I haven’t seen that rat bastard of a paterfamilias since November 6th, 2019.
[Audience laughs.]
SJP: All boys. What a handful. What would you say has been your worst moment of 2021 so far?
Pauper #1: My mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer two weeks ago. She won’t do chemotherapy because it’s bad for your teeth. She’s the only woman in Alligator Town whose got almost all her chompers still in her.
SJP: We do love our teeth, don’t we girls?
[Audience applauds.]
SJP: And what’s your fondest wish?
Pauper #1: I wish for a modified radical mastectomy procedure to cure my dying mother so she can help me deliver my fourteenth baby!
[Audience applauds, politely.]
SJP: Fantastic! Now Pauper #2, where are you from?
Pauper #2: I live in a toll booth in Badlands National Park, South Dakota, with my husband and his leprosy-stricken brother!
SJP: Uh oh, you’re still married, that might count against you.
Pauper #2: If it helps I should say he is chronically addicted to methamphetamines.
SJP: Crystals?
Pauper #2: He ain’t picky. He’ll swallow it, snort it, smoke it. I even seen him inject into his belly button on a quiet Tuesday afternoon at the booth.
[Audience laughs.]
SJP: Pauper #2, what has been your worst moment of 2021 so far?
Pauper #2: I’d say it was back in March. I was washing my husband’s needles when a pack of prairie dogs ambushed me. Made off with my left ear and most of my toes.
SJP: That’s gotta hurt. And what is your fondest wish?
Pauper #2: I wish for a 10′ x 10′ electric fence so my brother-in-law can safely get some sun on his leprotic sores!
[Audience cheers.]
SJP: Sounds great! And finally, Pauper #3, where are you from?
Pauper #3: I live in a three-story townhouse in Greenwich Village.
SJP: Me too! That’s amazing! We’re neighbors!
Pauper #3: I believe we met at George Clooney’s fundraiser for underprivileged chihuahuas last fall.
SJP: Oh yes, of course! Now, Pauper #3, what has been your worst moment of 2021 so far?
Pauper #3: Last month our air conditioner went on the fritz during a heat wave. For almost three hours our house was actually 66 degrees instead of 70 degrees. I had goosebumps on my arm before our butler fixed the problem.
[Audience sits in horrified silence.]
SJP: And what is your fondest wish?
Pauper #3: I want Salvador Dali’s “The Persistence of Memory” brought to my living room so I don’t have to mingle with the middle class at the Museum of Modern Art.
SJP: I think every woman in America can relate to that. Right, ladies?
[Female audience cheers.]
SJP: Okay! It’s time to cheer for our paupers! Pauper #1!
[Audience applauds mildly.]
SJP: Pauper #2!
[Audience jeers derisively.]
SJP: And Pauper #3!
[Audience roars with approval.]
SJP: The winner is Pauper #3! As a special treat, not only will Pauper #3 receive Salvador Dali’s “The Persistence of Memory,” but she will also receive the wishes of her fellow paupers! Enjoy your electric fence and your mastectomy! Until next week this is Sarah Jessica Parker, saying I wish every woman could be a queen every single day! But they can’t! Goodnight everyone!