Do you have a trust fund from a wealthy relative?
Are you sure? Asking wealthy relatives for handouts or to invest in your startup is the easiest way to not be poor. Get a DNA test and then hire a P.I. to find a long-lost relative that makes you the secret royal heir to the Genovia throne.
Do you own at least one home?
If not, I get it. Home buying can be an overwhelming, confusing process. Start saving. Get another job in addition to the three you already have. You don’t need more than five hours of sleep, especially when any imbecile can learn to nap with their eyes open.
Did you spend your summer working an unpaid internship in the Hamptons?
If you said no again, then I have to ask, are you even trying? You’re so lazy I can’t even look at you! How will you afford the basics, like shoes made out of endangered hummingbirds or a pet orca? Try harder.
Do you have wealthy parents who can pay your rent and expenses while you pursue a career in the arts?
If you don’t have parents who can afford guitar lessons or get you an agent before the ink dries on your headshots, then I guess you were born without talent. Give up on your dreams, learn to be miserable in a regular job, and get on Xanax like everyone else.
Is your family name on the building in which you work?
Try slamming your head against the Trump Tower until an idea comes to you.
Are you sure you don’t have any wealthy relatives or friends to support you?
Really? Not even one? That’s so weird. Your fiscal responsibility must be terrible. Work on that.
Have you considered selling non-essential organs to pay rent?
Please don’t believe the skeptics. You don’t need a spleen. And certainly not both of your lungs and kidneys. Did you know there are four chambers in the heart? That seems excessive. Surely you can do without a couple of them.
Do you have trouble deciding which color to paint your new spaceship?
No, because you can’t even afford a used Ford Focus? Not having reliable transportation is a common problem for single parents, and I know how stressful it can be. But it isn’t hopeless. Sell your kids and buy a Ferrari. If you have enough children, you might be able to rent a limo with a jacuzzi.
Do you have access to Doc Brown’s time machine?
I recommend going back in time and telling your relatives not to use so much heat. Or go forward in time and hope the interest on your bank keeps up with inflation.
Are you really, really sure you don’t know any wealthy family members?
Still no? Even really distant ones? Shit. You’re beyond my help.
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If my advice doesn’t apply to you: Congratulations, you are rich! This means you have what it takes to not be poor. Stop working so hard, you workaholic. Show the universe you appreciate having too much money by rewarding yourself with shiny things you don’t need. There is no need to generously help those who weren’t blessed with the work ethic of a Greek god. Make sure to flash your wealth so you can enjoy it. Buy a biodome summer home on Mars or a separate private jet just for your luggage.
If you couldn’t figure out how to make my advice work: Sorry, you do not have what it takes to not be poor, lazy McLazy bones. Do you really need electricity when you can light things on fire? You don’t need groceries when there are plenty of good stray cats and possums around just screaming, “HEY! FREE DINNER!” That is fresh organic meat you can get without the high prices of Whole Foods. Green vegetables can get expensive, but the lawn grass is free. So roll up your sleeves and get to work!
