On the eve of the new year the undersigned hereby,
Reiterates support for flossing once a day
Acknowledges the value of heart-healthy food swaps (e.g., nutpods for creamer), artist dates, and setting boundaries with telemarketers
Reaffirms the need to learn more effective time management skills
Wonders if subdividing tasks into 25-minute increments using an egg timer works as well as people say it does
Imagines that a less cluttered apartment would boost productivity, not to mention mood
Points out that it’s mostly Paul’s stuff anyway
Wonders if the real problem is an unwillingness to let go of the past
Recalls that the egg timer went missing months ago
Underscores the importance of wearing sunscreen even when it’s cloudy out, because clouds don’t filter UV rays
Condemns in the strongest terms the use of social media to snoop on Paul and his fiancé
Notes with concern the high cost of living alone
Notes with interest the abundance of upscale coffee shops and juice bars in the area
Surmises that one of them must be hiring
Stresses that the status quo is unsustainable
Expresses an out-of-the-blue interest in chess
Solemnly commits, in non-binding terms, to spending more time with family
Insists that this year will be different
Declares it will be the best year ever
Envisions a life of daily affirmations, low-interest debt, and unbroken Duolingo streaks
Recognizes that the key to it all is staying hydrated
