At the start of every year, people are always like, “Did you make a New Year’s resolution?”
And I’m always like, “No.”
And then they always proceed to tell me all about their new diets and plans to exercise more and maybe how they intend to finish that novel they’ve sort of been working on about a heavy metal guitar-playing witch from Appalachia or whatever.
But this year is going to be different. This year I’ve actually made a New Year’s resolution, and when people ask me about it, I’m going to be very open and direct with my answer. No beating around the bush or long preambles explaining how I’ve been meaning to do it for years and only now finally decided to make a resolution of it.
I’m going to just straight up tell everyone that I’ve decided to start wearing Icelandic necropants.
Which probably means I’ll also have to explain that Icelandic necropants are magic pants made from the flayed skin of a dead man who’s been dug up from a grave.
And I suspect some people may then ask me at this point, “Why?”
And, well, we all know how 2020 went, so I basically just think that donning another human’s partially decomposed lower epidermis is a good way to start the new year this time around. Hedging my bets with the archaic black arts, so to speak. Also, money magically appears in the necropants’ dessicated scrotum.
This is why necropants jingle whenever you walk around in them. Obviously, they are very fashionable.
And of course I’m going to wear them out in public! You shouldn’t even need to ask.
I’ve already put them on and they look great on me.
And yes, I intend to wear them everywhere. All day, everyday, 24/7. But I’ll admit I’m not constantly wearing them solely because they look cool or simply because I’m scarred for life by the horrors of a global pandemic/economic collapse/police brutality/violent riots/climate change/terrorism/school shootings/you name it, but also because the magic money won’t materialize in the dead man’s scrotum if I don’t.
I should also note that one frequently overlooked benefit of necropants is the unique smells they provide for dogs to sniff, which will automatically increase your popularity among man’s many best friends. I’ve already experienced the advantages of this benefit and I don’t recommend getting a pair of necropants unless you’re an animal lover.
And I definitely don’t recommend getting a pair of knock-off necropants. They might look just as awesome as the real thing, but you’ll regret it later when the money-gathering scrotum doesn’t function properly.
You’ve been warned.
But I’m excited for the new year. I think I’m better prepared for this one. Screw dieting and exercising; the benefits of those resolutions are temporary if you don’t stick with them, but the benefits of permanently wearing a super sexy pair of Icelandic necropants last forever.
