7:38 a.m.: Watching clips of the first presidential debate
Undecided Voter’s Spouse: So honey, what do you think?
Undecided Voter: Well, I’ve carefully considered Biden’s focus on empathy, competence, and helping our country become a better version of itself with respect to our self-described values, and Trump’s platform on killing us all with coronavirus and climate change and then building a throne out of our gold-dipped remains. At this point, I’m really not sure who I prefer.
9:06 a.m.: At one of those diners with mismatched mugs where national election reporters go to seek out the political opinions of coal miners, farmers, people who have never heard of Pinkberry, and assorted other flanneled oracles
Waitress: What’ll it be today?
Undecided Voter: I’m really in a pickle this morning. Do I want the ham and cheese omelet with whole wheat toast, or the bowl of rotting carrion?
10:49 a.m.: At Stop-n-Pick Used Cars out on Highway 319
Car Dealer: Have you made up your mind?
Undecided Voter: Not quite yet. I mean, the nearly mint condition 2019 Toyota Corolla with decent gas mileage could really work for me, but I can’t rule out one of those teeny tiny Shriners cars that broke down three blocks into last year’s Labor Day parade.
1:12 p.m.: Planning for the family barbecue
Undecided Voter’s Spouse: Have you finished texting everyone about this weekend?
Undecided Voter: Not sure if we’ll have room for everyone, so I gotta make the final call between Uncle Ted, who always regales us with fun fishing stories and witty puns, and Scylla, the six-headed monster from the Odyssey who apparently can’t stand corn on the cob.
2:24 p.m.: At the Merry Meadows Animal Shelter and Halfway House
Shelter Volunteer: Have you made up your mind yet?
Undecided Voter: It’s really down to two animals… that fluffy orange kitty cat who sits on your shoulder and lick your ear and purrs Bach cantatas, and the arthritic mongoose who got kicked out of anger management class and just came back from a three-day bender with a Chinese character tattoo that he thought said “courage” but actually means “cocksucker.”
6:03 p.m.: In the shower
Undecided Voter’s Spouse, peeking behind the curtain: You know, sweetie, it’s been a while since we’ve, well, done “the deed”… anyway, I’m feeling a little dirty, if you know what I mean. Maybe I could join you and you could… clean me?
Undecided Voter: That’s definitely one option, but I could also stand here and eat this bar of lavender-honey soap alone while the hot water runs out and you yell at me after for not leaving you any.
7:14 p.m.: Making evening plans
Undecided Voter’s Spouse: Let’s watch a movie tonight.
Undecided Voter: I suppose we could go on Netflix, Hulu, or Amazon and watch basically anything we could possibly think of, or I could hop in the car and drive to the Redbox in the dark alley behind the Walgreens and pick from a limited selection of mostly new releases at the same time as I look around suspiciously at anyone who comes near me while I try to figure out how to insert my credit card.
8:42 p.m.: Responding to a phone call from Gallup
Pollster: If Election Day were held today, which candidate would you likely vote for?
Undecided Voter: Hang on, let me grab a quarter to flip.
