Times are a-changin’, alright. And I gather we’re sacrificing some of our truest, most wholesome old-fashioned family values with this change. When friends and family inquire lovingly what I miss most about life before this gosh-darned virus, I’ll admit every time it’s casually strolling down a street, seeing a passerby nod my way, grabbing their face and absolutely hocking a loogie into the back of that kind stranger’s gullet.
Jesus, take me back!
It was such a simpler time, too. Simple in that the mouth was as free as a bird, open and ready to receive a good hacking into. You know how some folks say that the eyes are the windows to the soul? Well, I’d reckon the mouth is the window to the cough that I’m about to skeeter right into your maw to greet you as a “hello and how ya’ doin.’”
Nowadays, that openness, once as open as a cornfield on a hot, summer day, is gone – and replaced with masks! Now, how am I expected to pay respects to my fellow neighbor when their mouth is covered up by a doggone mask? I take it off of them, sure, but by the time it’s off, the froggy in my throat deposited into your fly trap just isn’t as gnarly and wet as it could’ve been.
It sure doesn’t help that these days, folks are so overprotective! Kids need to rub some dirt in their wound if they’re ever gonna make it in this world, and these masks are setting them up to become pansies. Are people really afraid to get sick from a little virus? A little bacteria here and there ain’t going to hurt. Besides, the polio my grandparents got built their character. It killed them too, but their character and grit from it was impressive! And my mother taught me, bless her heart, that if I was going to grow up a gentleman, I was to show respect to my elders by hawking from the very depths of my lungs and delivering it into their mouths. Those elders are dead and gone from polio, like I mentioned, but it all ties back to respect. When are we going to start teaching our kids that, dagnabbit?
Coughing in people’s mouths was the best way to show your affection, too. Not a hug nor a smile, but a wet, juicy hack into their piehole. Human relationships are going to change after this whole thing ends, and I just won’t know how to show my love for my own family. How am I supposed to make love to my wife of twenty years? Our sessions involve opening each other’s mouths as wide as we can like a crocodile and coughing into each other’s mouths for several hours. It’s romantic, it’s hot, and it’s love. She insists that we roleplay with masks, which are like condoms. Condoms are the masks of genitals, I reckon. As the bumper sticker on the back of my truck says, the best protection is no protection at all.
As our values are being taken away, there is a common, powerful enemy at play. It’s Big Mask. For years, Big Mask has been trying to normalize face coverings of all kinds. From Halloween masks, to ice hockey, to Jim Carrey’s 1994 film, The Mask… what are you all trying to hide under those masks? There’s nothing to be afraid of, unless you’re afraid of a beautiful, luscious hack inside your little talking part.
It’s times like these that remind me there’s a reason we ain’t on this earth forever. These closed-mouthers with their masks will be the downfall of our society, and maybe it’s time for me to move on from a world like that.
Give me a mouth to cough into or give me death!
