Humanity has reached a pivotal moment in the course of our history, where our action, or inaction, will have such a profound effect. With scientists around the world in agreement on the required path forward, we must take the necessary steps to do the right thing, and we must do it soon. Otherwise, our negligence will result in the devastation of the environment, and also my scalp.
There is compounding evidence that climate change is a very real threat, and we only have ten years or so to act before the results are irreversible. Each decade, the planet’s total ice coverage is decreasing by 12%. This may not seem like very much, but for something that’s remained stable over thousands of millennia, and when you already have a high hairline and large forehead, even a seemingly minuscule amount of receding is both alarming and noticeable.
There is only one earth, and we need to take care of it permanently. We can’t just take a scalpel and slice off some ozone layer from a different area where it’s overabundant to plug in the empty holes. And even if we could, what happens when there’s another spot to plug? We have finite resources, and this treatment is a stopgap at best.
Sure, every individual person should be doing their part. I recycle whenever possible, and I’ve been avoiding aerosol products such as hairspray and spray-on hair since the mid-nineties. But we are dealing with systemic issues that require collective intervention, greater than what any single person can achieve on their own. Solutions thus far have been like a combover: appearing to be a viable option at first glance, but laughably inadequate upon further inspection.
For example, do we actually think “carbon credits” are going to offset the massive amounts of pollution we pump out on a monthly basis? And really? A “one-month credit” to the hair clinic is supposed to help me when I’ve already been a paying customer for A YEAR AND A HALF and have not seen ANY results?
The frustrating thing is that we know exactly what the problem is. Despite this, the politicians in Congress and the researchers at the hair club for men have been shirking their pledged duties. If we can’t trust our elected public officials and consultants working at for-profit hair restoration centers, who can we trust?
In other countries, people would be rioting in the streets if they were contending with a government that was not doing everything in its power to move toward net-neutral emissions to stop filling up our oceans and landfills with plastic bottles and containers of serums and creams and foams that don’t even work as advertised!
Time and time again, politicians have promised change, yet we remain in the same position. They’ll walk out in front of a crowd of constituents with their suit and tie and natural Kennedy hair as they spew bald-faced lies. It’s the same pattern males in my family have observed for generations.
More progressive action simply has to be taken. We need to move to a ZERO waste economy. We must have ALL countries buying into this goal. And we need EVERY SINGLE ONE of the remaining hairs atop my cranium to remain intact.
Scientists believe that a third of the polar bear population could be eradicated in the coming decades (equivalent to me losing 25,000 additional strands of hair from the surface of my head). To reach such levels of sparsity would be catastrophic, and something that nobody would want to see. Personally, if I knew that my ambivalence led to things getting this bad, I couldn’t bare to look myself in the mirror.
If you still haven’t been swayed into action, think of the future generations. We owe it to them to leave a healthy, thick, lush planet to enjoy for the foreseeable future. Do you want to have to explain to your grandchildren why the manatees and my mane of hair disappeared? Or how the forests and my hair follicles grew barren?
So please, let us all come together to do something about this, before it’s too late. If we’re able to reverse the effects of climate change, and also the loss of hair on my head, it would be our crowning glory.
