Happy New Year to all of our wonderful friends and family!
John and the kids and I love you all so much, but not enough to express that to you individually, so please enjoy this annual generic letter about our family’s greatest joys, sorrows, wins, and losses of 2019!
Our little Johnny Jr. (age 10) made first chair for violin in our local children’s symphony! He works so hard and plays just beautifully. Brings tears to my eyes every time!
Timothy (age 7) is a joy and a challenge, as always. He recently had another little incident at school – stabbed a kid with a stick. Just normal kid stuff! Unfortunately the other parent didn’t see it that way and we are now stuck paying for this kid’s medical bills; turns out she needed a few stitches. But hey, you show me one kid who hasn’t been stabbed with a stick and gotten stitches and I’ll show you the Easter Bunny! Kids. Too funny.
I am just pluggin’ along as always, keeping my perpetually positive outlook. Of course, wine helps! It’s like those memes say: Mommy needs wine! I just love those memes that encourage mothers to drink themselves into oblivion in order to avoid facing or rising up against the emptiness of existing in a misogynistic white supremacist capitalist society intent on destroying us all. Pass the Cabernet!
Johnny Jr. has gotten more involved with scouting this year. He even went on a camping trip with his troop and has become quite adept at survival skills. When the inevitable downfall of our unsustainable society comes, stick with this kid! 😉 We do have fun, don’t we?
Anyhoo, kids will be kids, and back in April, Timothy threw a small steak knife right at John’s face, the little bugger! Johnny Jr.’s survival skills really could have come in handy on that day! LOL. In all seriousness though, John did lose his left eye, which of course has not improved his ongoing troubles with depth perception. He runs into almost everything now, always with an exclamation like, “GODDAMN IT CAROL!” Men. What can you do? So funny.
I have been smoking a lot of weed.
Johnny Jr. joined the swim team this year and is the fastest swimmer on the team already. I swear, this kid has more accomplishments at age ten than most people do in a lifetime, yet he remains so humble. We’re just so proud of him. John did embarrass him a little bit when he walked directly into the pool at one of Johnny’s swim meets, exclaiming “WHAT THE FUCK CAROL!” as he came up for air. Men are great. But Johnny shook it off and won the meet anyway! What an amazing kid.
Timothy is still racist, unfortunately.
In spite of having only one eye now, John was promoted at work this year. We are so proud of him! He is now manager at our local car dealership. Before the promotion he was a sales associate, so this change is very good. Especially since he ran over two pedestrians on test drives before the promotion, what with the lack of depth perception. They were fine, don’t worry! Well, one of them was fine, and one of them died. Glass half full!
I am drowning in the crushing loneliness and expectations of motherhood. Robbed of self. Trapped in a prison of mandatory devotion.
I have been dropping a lot of LSD lately.
Johnny Jr. won an award at school for “Best Student of All Time” this year! He is literally perfect!
As for Timothy, he pulled the funniest prank on us recently. He came into our bedroom at night and wrote “DEATH” on the wall, but backwards so we would read it in the mirror when we woke up. So creative! It kind of messed with me though, because I had taken some LSD the night before and was still kind of trippin’ balls. It was an elaborate prank too, because the message was written in blood. I think probably chicken blood? Isn’t that the standard blood for these things? I’m not sure where he got chicken blood, but anyway, kids are so hilarious and terrifying!
John and I are working hard to keep the excitement alive in our relationship, and you know that’s hard work after being married this long! Plus, the depth perception issue hasn’t helped things. He is all over the place with that penis, and his efforts are usually accompanied by an exclamation like “WHERE IS YOUR GODDAMN VAGINA/BUTTHOLE CAROL?” Men! They are pathetic.
I am a lesbian.
Is anyone reading this? No one reads these fucking things.
The last time I wandered aimlessly into the beckoning sea, John checked me into a spa. 😉 Said I needed a little break. And although my free time is closely monitored, I got to write this letter! Glass half full.
Existence is futile.
Anyway, cheers to 2020 from Carol and the boys!
