Dear American voter (and Kid Rock fan!),
I come to you today with some news sweeter than the guitars on “All Summer Long”: I, Kid Rock, born in rockin’ Romeo, Michigan, am running for a second term as the President of these here United-Fucking-States of America.
Now, there may be those among you who say “Kid. Wasn’t once enough?” And to those haters I just say: “Was one toke ever enough? Was one twenty-minute bass solo enough? Was one case of the clap enough?” Hell to the naw.
This Kid wants more! There’s more work to be done.
So I intend to keep rocking this land like my predecessor, the MAGA-man himself, did. And I vow to never let the law – or term limits – get in the way of a bodacious time.
Just look at all the Kid Rock administration has accomplished in our first term.
Da Kid Done Good!
- I renamed the state of Alaska “Palin Place” in honor of the MILFest Vice Presidential candidate ever. Now we’ve got a state with the initials: PP. I couldn’t be p-p-prouder.
- Got Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex, to show off her twerking skills while at a diplomatic dinner.
- I ground up and did a few lines of the original Constitution right off the naked chest of a woman dressed up as Betsy Ross. Now when anyone asks if I’ve read the Constitution, I’ve got a great answer: “The Constitution? I don’t need to read it, I absorbed it into my bloodstream.”
- Fixed Detroit’s water system so now, instead of water, it pumps out pure Fireball cinnamon whiskey.
- Joined the Mile High Club on Air Force One – in every time zone in America.
Now, for some presidents that would be enough accomplishments to last a lifetime, and they’d retire to a life of leisure, speaking engagements and writing boring-ass books and shit. But I ain’t never satisfied. My biggest and best is yet to cum.
Kid Rock x President x President = History That Makes You Wet
You may be asking, “Yo, Kid Rock? I know you’re a founding father of ferociously funky jams but what issues are important to you in this second term? Expanding Medicare? Restore America’s standing with our allies? Or maybe investing money in education for all children?”
Naw, peeps. We got something way better:
Freakin’ Hot Tubs for All.
Fact: There simply aren’t enough hot tubs in America.
Fact: I, Kid Rock, am about to turn the party knob up to “Splash.”
Fact: I don’t actually know how many hot tubs we’re going to need but it’s a lot.
Fact: I ran out of facts.
So what I envision is a land of hot tubs, as far as the eye can see, from sea to shining sea. Hot tubs of all shapes and sizes. Big ones. Little ones. Wooden ones. Multi-level hot tubs with tubes connecting you to yet more hot tubs.
Now whenever you want to rest your weary bones after a worldwide tour, album release, extended groupie selection session, or hunting trip with the “Motor City Madman” Ted Nugent, you can. That’s the America I want for each and every one of you.
The world is a crazy place – even crazier than your average tour bus. But I think we can all agree that life looks a little brighter after a dip in foaming hot waters with a Bud Light Lime-a-Rita in one hand and a señorita in the other, with the jets making everything jiggly.
Now, America, I presided over some very dark moments in the last four years of American history. The kind of stuff that would’ve stumped even a Kennedy. Like when the head of the FDA, my good friend Uncle Kracker, had a threesome with a box of donuts and carton of Virginia Slims at Camp David and I caught the whole thing with a GoPro drone. The lamestream media thought there was no way I could survive such a controversy and get the country back on track but I did.
And the only way to repay your faith in me? Hot tubs, hot tubs, hot tubs.
Now, thanks to the ongoing effects of climate change, we might all be underwater at some point real soon. But science can’t stop a dream. (I learned that from Inception. Good flick.) So re-elect me and we’ll get on the hot tub thing faster than you can say “Batwidaba.”
I hope I can count on your vote this November!
Yours truly, President Kid Rock
P.S. My latest album, Vape Nation Sensation, is on music platforms everywhere. It features my hit single “The First Lady Is a Freak,” the crowd fav “My Donkey Is a Honky,” and the chart-topping epic ballad “I’m in You Deep (America).” I executive order you to play the shit out of it!
