Welcome! I hope you found the place okay. Parking wasn’t a problem? Great! First things first: this is where I fart. This side of the lobby here, right where we’re standing. This is where I fart. Speaking of which, let’s move down the hall. I want to show you something before we get farted. Sorry, started.
This is where I fart. In the corner over here against the wall. Behind this potted plant.
An umbrella tree, you say? Wow, look at you! You’re fitting in already. Let’s keep moving, we have a busy day ahead of us. And behind us.
How did you hear about the position? Hold that thought. I fart over here, too, all up and down this hallway. See, the bathrooms are on the opposite side of the floor by the stairwell, so this whole area is like no-man’s land. Unless you count the ghosts of old farts! Excuse me for a second.
Hey, over here. Behind this empty desk in the corner. This is where I fart too. This huge pile of old notebooks on top blocks me from view. Pretty sweet, huh? Whoa, look at the time. We better get going.
What are your greatest professional strengths? I’m good at reconnaissance. You might think I’ve meticulously studied the building’s floor plans for all this prime intel but in reality I had most of the good spots worked out during my first interview here. Eye for detail, and all that. Turn left here. I’ll be right behind you.
Why are you leaving your current job? I’ll tell you why I left my last job – the office was tiny. Where is anyone supposed to fart? Nobody needs that kind of work-related stress.
That conference room on your left only gets used for Monday morning all-hands meetings. After that, it’s all farts all the time.
Let’s talk about about a challenge or conflict you’ve faced at work and how you dealt with it.
Wait, let’s talk about it over here. This window seat is where I fart. For me, the biggest work challenge has been finding the best places to fart. Sounds simple enough, but there are plenty of variables. You want it to be far enough away from each group of cubicles so nobody can smell it, but you don’t want it to be so far away that it’s obvious you’re just “making the rounds,” as I call it. I knew this job was ideal for me because I have to walk around a lot to transfer hard copies of files between departments.
Oh, farts! No, I didn’t just now. That’s just what I say sometimes instead of the F-word. You should try it some time! Saying “farts,” I mean. It’s very satisfying. Like farting, which you should also try.
But oh, farts, here comes Helen from HR. No, no, she’s cool but let’s see if we can steer her away from the hallway we both just crop-dusted back there.
Don’t be embarrassed. Really! Everyone’s accustomed to their own particular bouquet, if you will, and I know for sure some of that back there wasn’t mine.
Helen! Yeah, just showing this applicant around. Say, could you take a look at that empty desk near the lobby and see if the previous employee left any personal items on it? Thanks, you’re the best!
Phew! Close one. Speaking of narrow escapes, we should keep moving.
By the time Helen makes it to that desk I’m sure all the residual odor will be gone. That’s the other consideration: can you make it back to your desk without the linger catching up to you? Every job comes with its specific challenges, you know. Sorry, let’s walk a little faster.
How do you personally deal with pressure or stressful situations at work? I think you already know my answer to that. Oh, look, behind these vending machines over here – this is where I fart.
Well, I guess that about does it. Thanks for coming in! We’ll be in touch. Now that we’ve gotten past the awkward introductory phase of the interview process I hope you feel some sense of relief.
Speaking of relief, you should probably show yourself out because this is where I fart.
