Each workweek is the same: frustrating commutes, rigid schedules, maneuvering corporate ladders and glass ceilings. Not to mention the awkwardness that ensues when you attempt to open the door on a bathroom stall that’s already occupied. (Why did you blurt out “Ooops sorry!” instead of just walking away quietly?!?!) But the rat race isn’t going anywhere if you refuse to just marry for money, so embrace it.
Be the rat.
First, you need to think like a rat. What do you want? To survive. How do you survive? By leaving stashes of trail mix throughout the office so you feel motivated enough to make it through the maze of cubicles, copiers, conference rooms, and free packets of artificial sweetener! Now Rachel, don’t think too hard about how that last one was tested on and shown to cause cancer in the very thing you are trying to embody – you’ve got a stash of almonds to get to on the other side of this budget meeting!
(Quick note on those almonds though: fuck the raw ones. You’ve got to make sure the value of your treats is greater than the desire to escape this monotony by slowly starving to death in a row of cubicles under a blanket made of Post-It notes. Besides, who gives a shit about sodium? Not you, you dirty-ass rat!)
Another way to make the maze more appealing is to decorate. Line that cube with things you love, such as pictures of vulnerable kittens doing stupid shit like smelling flowers or getting their heads stuck in a glass so they’re easy to ambush. Don’t you feel more energized already?
(Listen, I know I said sodium didn’t matter before, but that was when we were just getting started, so lightly salted almonds at most, okay? If you want to be a high-performance rat, you’re going to have to eat like a high-performance rat.)
Now that you’ve made the maze more fun, you can really start to focus on the rat race itself. Hang one of those water bottles at your desk so you can hydrate without moving your filthy little paws – hands – from the keyboard. Inbox zero. ALL. DAMN. DAY. Plus, you’ll be hydrated as fuck. Glowing fur – skin! I mean skin! – glowing skin makes you more promotable!
(Okay, but here’s the problem with all that hydration, Ratchel – it has to go somewhere eventually. Line your underwear with absorbent pellets so you only need to use the restroom every other time, or every third time depending on how little you care if your coworkers find you repulsive.)
To really be the rat, you’ll eventually want to invest in some body mods. Pointy yellow teeth are fun, but tails are the best at keeping chatty coworkers away from your desk so you can focus on smashing those metrics. Plus, swinging that tail from side to side is great cardio! Who needs a wheel? Not you, Ratchel. Not fucking you.
