TRANSYLVANIA – Characters in Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel Dracula are saying they are confused about Quincey P. Morris, a cowboy seemingly ripped from the pages of a pulp Western, who – for some inexplicable reason – plays a major role in the gothic tale set in Victorian England and Eastern Europe.
“Nobody can figure out what Quincey is doing in this book,” said Jonathan Harker, the protagonist of Mr. Stoker’s classic horror story. “He showed up at a formal dinner party wearing leather chaps and a six-shooter. It was awkward.”
Other characters in Dracula have also commented on Mr. Morris’ baffling presence in Mr. Stoker’s novel. Arthur Holmwood, Lord Godalming, claims to have known Mr. Morris for years. “Everything about him made sense when I met him in Texas,” said Lord Godalming. “Carrying a Bowie knife, lassoing a steer. Sure. But when he does that stuff in Victorian high society it just seems… wrong.”
Lucy Westenra, Lord Godalming’s former fiancée, claimed that Mr. Morris once offered her his hand in marriage. “Quincey was so sweet. His Southern drawl really stood out in a novel set in nineteenth-century England.”
Unfortunately, Miss Westenra also reported that her relationship with Mr. Morris quickly deteriorated. “First, I agreed to marry Arthur instead of him. Then, he and his friends let Count Dracula turn me into a vampire. Finally, he teamed up with a weird Dutch scientist, drove a wooden stake through my heart, and cut off my head. Honestly, it was a deal-breaker.”
Mr. Morris was unavailable for comment, as he died fighting Dracula outside the vampire’s castle in Transylvania. However, the Count himself, despite being recently decapitated, was able to offer a brief statement before turning into dust and vanishing from the mortal realm forever.
“There I was, minding my own business, while my Gypsy servants carried my coffin through the Borgo Pass,” Count Dracula said. “Suddenly, I heard this strange voice saying things like ‘Consarn it’ and ‘Howdy pardner’ and I guess I just got distracted. I was like, what kind of book is this again? And before I knew it he had the lid off my coffin and stabbed me through the heart with his Bowie knife.”
“These American tourists are the worst,” sighed Count Dracula, as his unholy corpse crumbled into a million pieces.
Reached for comment about the deaths of Mr. Morris and Dracula, Mr. Harker continued to express his surprise that Mr. Stoker decided to include a cowboy character in a novel about a vampire in Victorian England.
“To tell you the truth, having Quincey around was actually a lot weirder than staying in a haunted castle with a centuries-old emissary of the undead,” Mr. Harker said. “I mean, if you travel to Transylvania you’ve got to expect some kind of unnatural and immortal evil. But a cowboy in London? Who would come up with that?”
“Then again,” Mr. Harker continued, “I’m supposed to be the kick-ass, vampire-slaying hero of this novel, and I’m a meek, pencil-pushing real estate agent, so who the hell knows what’s really going on here.”
