Pamplemousse
You strut confidently into heaven, walking through the pearly gates without breaking your stride. You greet God like you would any other old friend: with a secret handshake that only you two know. You look incredible in white, and all the other angels try to pretend they’re not jealous (how unbecoming for them). You catch them staring from time to time at how the silvery opalescent robe you wear drapes so artfully across your toned shoulders, spills down your back, caresses your little buttcheeks so gently. You’re the most popular angel in heaven, and, rumor has it, Archangel Gabriel has a crush on you.
Plain
Your soul stays tethered to earth. Your ghost roams the empty suburban streets of your hometown trying to determine where exactly you made the choice to stop making choices. When you decided to stop having any kind of personality. When you became so forgettable. You look back on the at the long road of your life and see no intersections, no forks, only a narrow and desolate path eking it’s way through a dry, flavorless landscape.
Coconut
There is a darkness within you. A sickening, twisted wickedness crawling in your soul. Your misdeeds on earth will not be forgotten, demon. The cloying, sickly taste of faux coconut will forever cling to your spirit. As you are tormented for eternity, torn apart and mashed back together, may you reflect on the path you’ve chosen to take. The sins you’ve comitted. The pain you’ve caused the world.
Apricot OR Tangerine
It’s clear that you stumbled through life completely by accident, you bumbling fool. It’s a miracle you lived as long as you did without falling into a manhole or something. Sure, you weren’t perfect, but any wrongs you may have committed on Earth must have been honest mistakes. Your entrance to heaven, however, is dependent on a lengthy written exam. Halfway through you eat the test, and after a whispered conversation between a few cherubim, you’re invited into heaven. You wander in after colliding with the pearly gates a few times.
Lime
After death, instead of making the soul’s harrowing journey to the afterlife, your spirit simply drifts apart. When your corporeal body has expired, your soul quietly and tepidly ebbs into nothingness. You cease to exist. Any trace of you is erased. You are utterly absent. As absent as any trace of lime flavor in a lime LaCroix.
Any & All Other Flavors
You are reincarnated again and again. Tumbling through lifetime after lifetime, until you eventually, inevitably, choose one of the above flavors.