1. Tom Brady Bites
With the NFL season recently underway, this cereal is perfect for any football lover. Featuring Tom Brady on the cover, these delicious football bites deflate as soon as milk gets into the bowl. Be sure to mail in the card on the side of the box to order a Tom Brady replica Super Bowl ring – collect all five!
2. Barry Bonds Crunch
The first-ever cereal to feature hormones to improve your performance throughout the day. While at first glance it might appear as regular cereal, after your second bowl you’ll soon realize that it’s a home run! Seriously, there’s a splash of amphetamines in this, so you will be running at full speed around your house for countless hours. Perfect for any man, woman or child looking for that extra punch or kick in the morning.
3. Ray Rice Krispies
These may just look like normal old rice puffs, but man, do they sure pack a punch! These rice puffs will knock you entirely unconscious with flavor! The combination of powerful high fructose corn syrup and spicy cayenne will drag your body into a new breakfast routine you’ll love! Comes with a box designed to look like a elevator shaft. Note: This cereal will be available, then off the market for four weeks, then inexplicably available again.
4. Iced Tonya Hardings
Coated in a light icing, this cereal is almost as sweet as Tanya herself! Overcooked oats are shaped into batons that create a pleasant crunch. This cereal doesn’t hire anyone to do its dirty work – it’s packed with delicious sugar! Manipulative mothers everywhere approve of this cereal!
5. O.J. Simpson O’s
The juice is loose! This cereal features a post-murder case O.J. Simpson on the front of the box. Because oat loops would be too bland, they added marshmallows in the shapes of gloves so you get get a helping hand in the morning with some wonderfully sweet sugar. These delicious loops then turn the milk into orange milk, but don’t brush your teeth before eating this cereal, or else you’re in for a very unpleasant experience! Every box comes with a miniature Ford Bronco!
6. Tiger Woods Crunch
This cereal makes you scream “Fore!” At first glance, you’ll see the deliciously wonderful golf-club-shaped, honey-coated oats. A closer looks and you’ll see shards of sugar crystal to add a nice crunch! This cereal is truly a hole-in-one! Enter for your chance to win a slightly used 2009 Cadillac Escalade.
7. Michael Phelps Puffs
Finally, your chance to share a bowl with Michael Phelps! If you’re like Michael Phelps, either as a professional swimmer or amateur stoner, you’re gonna love Michael Phelps Puffs, chock-full of vitamins and minerals that every person with a big appetite needs! These puffs contain a crunch enhancer that allows for the milk to never penetrate the cereal! It’s so buoyant, it’ll float for hours! Side effects may include extreme relaxation due to the 25mg CBD.
