NEW YORK – Despite being negatively impacted by President Trump’s economic policies, as well as being personally shot by the Commander-in-Chief, New York native Darrell Hawke still plans to support him and the rest of the Republican Party in the current election.
Hawke, who works in a manufacturing plant in Brooklyn, voted for President Trump in 2016 based on the belief he would “drain the swamp” and disrupt the political status quo. Though he admits he is disappointed key promises like building a wall along the U.S.-Mexican border have not been fulfilled – and that he is currently hemorrhaging blood from his abdomen thanks to a bullet put there by the president himself – these issues are preferable to having Democrats in charge.
“Just think of how terrible it would be with those socialists running things,” Hawke wheezed as he searched for someone to help him with his gaping wound. “They don’t care about us working peop-agghh, God! Fuck!… just keep steady pressure, Darrell, come on… unnggghh…. their policies will just cause us pain.”
Although polls suggesting enthusiasm among Republican-leaning voters has dropped, Hawke still plans on dragging himself to his district to do his part, despite the party’s attacks on the healthcare he desperately needs at the moment, or the fact that their party leader has begun to kick him in his still-fresh wounds.
“Trump isn’t perfect,” Hawke acknowledged through blows. “The president’s escalating tariffs with trading allies have threatened my job, his tweets can be offensive and distracting, and he just shot me point blank for no reason.”
But Hawke still believes in the president’s agenda, as well as the GOP as a whole. “I wish he would spend less time tweeting insults and also shooting me,” Hawke sputtered as he desperately tried to pull himself away from President Trump, who had returned with a sock full of quarters and was attempting to beat the fatally injured supporter.
“But he is getting things done,” he continued between blows.
Hawke was unable to specify what things Trump had done, both because the Trump administration has not accomplished much in terms of concrete policy and because Darrell had begun to lose consciousness due to blood loss. He did however decry Democrats for trying to curb Second Amendment rights with gun control before passing out a block away from his polling location.
