Let’s get one thing straight. No one respects the American flag as much as I do. I live the Stars and Stripes every day. Francis Scott Key wrote the greatest love song in the world about Old Glory, in my humble opinion. I’ve cried no less than ten times whilst watching Yankee Doodle Dandy. But as we are in the thick of summer, opportunities arise to, dare I say, disrespect the flag code. Yet is it wrong to disrespect her if it means respecting her even more?
I say, NAY.
There’s been talk recently about what constitutes respect or disrespect towards the flag. Luckily for someone as patriotic as me, it does not matter.
I’m the owner of no less than eight American flag T-shirts, one for each day and two for Sunday. What’s that? Where were they made? America – they’re American flag T-shirts. Where else would they be made?
I don’t kneel during the National Anthem, absolutely not. Frankly, when walking past a fellow patriot on the street whose ringtone is also “The Star-Spangled Banner” I immediately stop dead in a crosswalk, put my hand over my heart, and face Philadelphia.
So what if I have a cold one with the flag on the can at Memorial Day? I know she’s not supposed to be a part of advertising but how will people know I drink domestically while remembering those who have fallen? It just doesn’t feel right consuming Asian-sounding beers like “Yuengling.”
Most people think June is a slow time for holidays, a lull between Memorial Day and the Fourth of July. Wrong, WRONG.
Many are quick to discount Patriotism Measuring Day, or what the “lamestream” media likes to downplay as Flag Day. Pretty self-explanatory: more flags = more patriotism.
I proudly fly a flag in my front yard at all times, regardless of holidays, noting days to observe the flag at half-mast. Now that I think about it, I have flags in my backyard, right yard, and left yard, as well.
My three newborn daughters, Nina, Pinta, and Sandra Mary (had to patriot-ize the last one just a bit), are swaddled in blankets cut from flags fresh off the presses of Craigslist that were used in Vietnam, or so says AmericanSlimJim (trade tip: always go with someone with “American” in their name). Sure I had to make a few alterations to the flags, but we needed a leg up in the NRA Children’s Magazine cover photo contest.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “How can I be as respectful and patriotic as you with the Fourth of July coming up?” The answer is you can’t, sadly, but not actually sadly because I’m not sad. I’m more respectful and patriotic than everyone.
But in case you were wondering, I’m throwing an American flag-themed party. A specific amount of people will be invited to wear red, an equal amount of people will be invited to wear blue, and an equal amount of people will be asked to wear white. Why the equal numbers? Good question. You can’t have an Independence Day party with too many people wearing red (Commies), blue (libs), or white (just a bad look to have a party with everyone completely in white). Also, I don’t want to give people the opportunity to disrespectfully wear the flag on a garment if they’re not living patriotism the other 364 days of the year.
For me it’s an Old Glory Speedo and I’ll enter the party on an American Flag runway to the backyard while “Made in America” by Toby Keith blasts. I know what you’re thinking. “It’s in bad taste to have her draped across my groin region.” Fair. Counterpoint: it’s Independence Day. I trust nothing else to protect my “rocket’s red glare,” ya feel me?
My affinity for the old 10 by 19 may seem offensive to some, but the flag code was written, like, a really long time ago. The writers didn’t know what would be appropriate a hundred years later. Oh, also, I’ve also spent the last year slowly attracting bald eagles to a Stars and Stripes nest in the oak tree behind our slip ‘n slide that ends into a pool of potato salad.
