Katie Barkley: Fine on social media 2008-2018
Katie was just your average Katie on social media. She got a Facebook in 2008, which she used to post photos of her and her friends at football games, take sketchy third-party website personality quizzes, and occasionally post #TBTs where she looked better than anyone else in the photo. Katie was fine on social media.
That is, of course, until she changed her job title to “Girl Boss at Rodan and Fields.” Katie now uses her Facebook to pressure acquaintances near and far into buying face creams and eyelash gel. What even is eyelash gel?
Jessica from band: Fine on social media 2010-2018
Jessica was once just a quiet flutist. She was in your homeroom junior year and maybe spoke two words to you. Now, she’s got two more words for you: “diet pills.”
Honestly, it’s unclear why Jessica is selling diet pills. She’s always been naturally very thin. She wants you to believe that you can be, too, if you just buy these diet pills! Maybe we can get someone to play “Amazing Grace” on flute as we remember the days when Jessica from band was fine on social media.
Brittney Moore: Fine on social media 2014-2018
Brittney Moore is the little sister of a friend you made at camp. She’s as distant as distant acquaintances can be, but she’d like to get real personal now.
Though Brittney is a solid amount of years younger than you and has no visible credentials, she’d very much like you to pay her hundreds of dollars for “personal brand coaching.”
She sent you a very personal message on Facebook chat addressing you by the wrong name, but don’t worry, she realized. She corrected the mistake in a separate message and would like you to please let her know when you can chat.
Let us remember the time when Brittney thought of you as a distant acquaintance and not someone she was comfortable enough asking for lots of money from.
Jack’s mom: Fine on social media honestly never
Your high school friend Jack’s mom was honestly always a loose cannon on social media, commenting NONSEQUITURS IN ALL CAPS, circulating political diatribe from reputable sites like “Patriot Gun News,” and accidentally sending FarmVille invites to all of her friends on Facebook.
She is absolutely your Facebook friend that compromised your information with the whole Cambridge Analytica thing.
Things really took a turn for Jack’s mom when she became a Platinum Level Herbalife Sales Representative. Every “Happy Birthday” wall post was followed by the addendum “Is this the year you make a change in your life? bit.ly/spamonspamonspam.”
Oh sweet, sweet Mrs. Jack’s mom. This is the year we make a life change… by unfollowing you on social media.
Naomi Meyers: Fine on social media 2011-2018
Naomi Meyers is not trapped in a pyramid scheme. She’s just way too happy with her life and you don’t need that.
