WASHINGTON – A brand-new report this morning reveals that yes, indeed, this is all actually fucking happening. While since November 8th U.S. citizens have known in theory that Donald Trump would eventually become the next President of the United States, many subconsciously believed that there was no way he could really become the next President of the United States.
This unsubstantiated and deep-seated illusion was shattered today when D.C. residents saw, with their own eyes, workers installing stages for Mr. Trump’s inauguration, as well as mass amounts of tourists wearing red “Make America Great Again” hats and T-shirts emblazoned with at least three different obscenities. There was only one logical conclusion as to why so many pale, camouflage-clad families could be clogging the sidewalks with so much self-assurance: this is actually fucking happening.
One shocked millennial revealed that she “just [doesn’t] get it. I’ve been relatively calm, certain that somehow, someway, Trump’s presidency wouldn’t actually materialize. I mean, I signed a petition to persuade electors to go faithless and vote for Hillary instead of him. How could this happen?”
Behavioral scientists say that this false sense of security implanted by signing online petitions, combined with a variety of other factors, allowed so many to cope with the election results by simply denying reality. Jill Stein’s raising of millions of dollars for voter recounts in three key states also perpetuated optimism that the situation would be remedied. Others say that seeing post-election photos of Hillary Clinton hiking in the woods incited faith that she was “training for a fierce fight to take back what was rightfully hers, according to the popular vote.”
Despite Mr. Trump remaining the President-elect after all of this, many still believed that reports confirming Russia’s influence in the election would prompt some sort of reevaluation of his win – but all that has changed is that we now know Mr. Trump likes to combine pee and sex.
It seems that each of these events, while having roused temporary hope that Mr. Trump might be stripped of the presidency, in actuality diverted attention from the grim reality – that Mr. Trump would become our next President. And now, it’s actually fucking happening.
