As the hot weather beckons, is it a good idea to peel off that sweaty college tee when you’re at the beach, by the pool or in the library? Luckily, as our resident expert, I’m here to give you the definitive answer based on the size and shape of your totally superfluous nip-nips!
Nipple Categories
Small
Why put up with pits like a Florida swamp? Get that shirt off and flaunt those barely perceptible nipples! Unless they’re too small, like David Beckham’s. Then folks start to wonder if you’re some next evolutionary step they’re not included in.
Large
Think long and hard before stripping if you’re in possession of oversize nipples, as long and as hard as the nipples themselves. Big, fried-egg nipples are a massive turn-off to everybody. Keep your shirt on and you might get away with it, eventually finding love and passing on your genetic material via lights-off intercourse. But not with me. Ewww, gross, big nipples!
Medium, Strong, Erect
If you have this alpha nipple type, why do you wear a shirt any time of year? If you can make your nipples appear to be always brawny by frequently pinching and squeezing them, make it a good habit you practice ten or more times an hour. We want to see those beautiful, Hollywood nipples!
Weak, Depressive
What a downer! If you have the “sympathetic brow” of nipples, your chest looks suicidal – and my libido just slashed its wrists too. Cheer ’em up!
Inverted
I don’t even know what to say. Except no!
Massive Conical Nips
Good God, you look terrible topless OR with a T-shirt. The worst kind of nipples, announcing themselves in any outfit, pointing to all the men with the good nipples. Tape them up and keep a light, billowy shirt on. Wear a bad wig. Anything to draw our attention away from those ghastly three-dimensional triangles.
Up-Tops
You can just about get away with nipples that are climbing towards your collarbone, although choose a masculine swimsuit to emphasize that you are in fact a man.
Down-Lows
Like Matt Damon’s nipples, these funny little guys are scared of heights! Think about drawing some nipples on to your chest a little higher up and then using a concealer on these gravity-sensitive babies. Talk about “nipple slip!”
More Than Two
Yikes! Keep it on, bub. If we wanted to see that many nipples we would play with the dog.
Less Than Two
Keep your shirt on and get a bus to the medical center.
Covered With Gold Caps
You might have wandered off the film set of the Gods of Egypt sequel (they are sure to be filming that). I like the look. More gold nipples, please!
Baby Attached to One of Them
Whoops! I’m all for modern notions of parenting but this just ain’t gonna work, bro!
Hairy
Shave them BEFORE you go to beach! Yuck. If you forget to shave, shirt ON if the hair is NOT visibly poking through your T-shirt, OFF if it is. Or maybe plaits? GROSS.
Weirdly Colored for Your Skin Tone
Keep it on, Bowie. Nobody’s going to be intrigued about your unique genetic mix – they’ll be too busy throwing up!
Scabbed Over
Do less jogging. Sickening.
Pierced
Oh coo-oo-ool. Oh, you’re so cool and alternative. Oh wow, nobody has ever thought to get their nipples pierced as a statement of rebellion and self-expression before. You’re my hero. Oh wait, you’re not. I hate pierced nipples; they make me nauseated. All I can think of is A-frames and handcuffs in your basement. Or your parents’ basement, because let’s face it, how many high-flying executives do you know with their nipples pierced? Sweeping their white dreadlocks off of their expensive suit. NONE. DISGUSTING.
Okay, well that’s all the nipple types I can think of right now. If you don’t fall into one of these categories, God help you. At least you might be a viral sensation on Instagram?
Gotta go! I can’t wait to get down to the club and check out the topless action poolside! But men, consult this guide first please, I don’t want to have to yell and scream at you IRL. I’m so glad “your eyes are up there,” except for those Hollywood nipples of course. Mmmmmm.