Are you always left wondering if you’ve celebrated Memorial Day like a True American™? When you’re watching that Memorial Day parade or barbecuing on the porch with family and friends, do you always think there is more you could be doing to honor our servicemen and women?
Well guess what? There is! But you’re in luck, because we’ve put together twenty essential Memorial Day activities that will take your celebrating to the next level:
- Put the “memory” back in Memorial Day by memorizing the name of every U.S. soldier who died in the line of duty.
- It’s good to have tradition on holidays like this, so go ahead and call the cops on your Lebanese neighbor again.
- Hire the undocumented workers asking for jobs in the Home Depot parking lot to come build a symbolic wall around your property, after which you lock them out, refuse to pay them, and lecture over the wall to them with a megaphone that they are morally inferior.
- Show you are a TRUE AMERICAN™ by making a point of guzzling ONLY American-made beers at your BBQ before passing out on patio furniture made in China.
- Quietly reflect on the meaning of sacrifice with Starbucks’ new Sacrifaccino®!
- Continue supporting politicians who pass legislation assuring our living veterans remain incapable of leading happy and productive lives.
- Kick off your annual, racially charged barbecue with a twenty-one cannon salute and wind down with an unsettling, patriotic, fireworks display that will last well into the early morning.
- Watch IndyCar drivers complete high-speed lap after circular lap at the Indianapolis 500 in the ultimate symbolic performance art piece about partisan Congressional gridlock.
- Keep that parade going. Block off major intersections and host twenty-one gun salutes throughout the day.
- Fight an immigrant. Your ancestors may have come from abroad, but you sure as shit didn’t.
- Design a better Vietnam War Memorial. Something with choppers maybe.
- Scold every entitled veteran who wants attention on Memorial Day as if they don’t get their own day in November.
- Wax on high about the good old ‘Nam days and that time the government conducted illegal experiments on your platoon by lacing everyone with acid and now your girlfriend is mad because you keep hallucinating and also someone is trying to assassinate you.
- Enlist the local neighborhood kids to reenact Abu Ghraib by stripping them down and having them all lay on top of each other in a haphazard manner. To add a splash of festivity, cover their heads with burlap sacks or whatever you happen to have lying around!
- Don’t actually recognize Memorial Day at all because a true American only looks forward to the future.
- Remember to leave some hot dogs out for the Memorial Day Muzzbangs, who are said to terrify naughty children who don’t leave out their favorite treats on Memorial Day Eve.
- Edit your dad’s copy of Saving Private Ryan, so that right as Ryan is about to break down weeping in Arlington National Cemetery, the movie cuts to Matt Damon from Team America: World Police.
- Make sure you get the loudest fireworks you can so you can show your PTSD-suffering veteran relatives how much you appreciate them.
- Carefully deconstruct the American flag and then reconstruct it, conspicuously leaving the Northern territories out, so that everyone knows which are the “real” American states.
- Complain to some immigrants from a war-torn country that the $23 per year you pay in taxes assisting your country’s underprivileged is bleeding you dry.